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Jokes
 
 
 

After 3 time it's now!

 A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
 On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be
 gentle,... I am still a virgin."
 The startled groom asks, "How can that be?  You've been married 3 times before."
 The bride responds...
"Well you see it was this way:  My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
 "My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
 "And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was.............  God I miss him!"
 "But you're a lawyer, so now I *know* I'm gonna get screwed!"
 

Little Fire Truck

One day a fireman at a fire station looked across the street and saw a little boy with a red wagon. The boy had tied ladders to the side of the wagon, a garden hose situated in the wagon, and had the wagon hitched to a dog. The fireman thought he'd do a little public relations work so he walked over to talk to the boy. He said to the boy, "What have you got here?" The boy replied "This is my fire truck, kind of like the one you ride in."  And a fine fire truck it is," said the fireman. The fireman then noticed that the boy had hitched the wagon to the dog by tying a rope around thedogs' testicles. The fireman said "Son, I think your dog would be able to pull your fire truck a little faster if you tied the rope to his collar."   The boy said, "Maybe, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

He Smartest Man in the World
 

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sundayafternoon flight on a small private plane.
uddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the bestefforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed aparachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, andbailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.  The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world,I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived along and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.  Takethe last parachute and live in peace".  The little boy handed the  parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."

> Eye Witness
>
> Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and go into the
> woods.  Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
>
> Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs
> home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. "MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE
> PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
>
> Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
>
> So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go
> into the woods with Aunt Jane.  I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt
> Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane
> helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat,
> then Daddy..."
>
> At this point, Mommy cut him off and said,  "Johnny, this is such an
> interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time.  I
> want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
>
> At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.  He describes
> the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and "then
> Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do
> when Daddy was in the Army."

Test Your Self
 1. When do you feel your best?
>            (a) In the morning
>            (b)  During the afternoon and early
> evening
>            (c) Late at night
>=20
>       2. You usually walk
>            (a) fairly fast, with long steps
>            (b) fairly fast, but with short, quick
> steps
>            (c) less fast, head up, looking the
> world in the face
>            (d) less fast, head down
>            (e) very slowly
>=20
>       3. When talking to people, you
>            (a) stand with your arms folded
>            (b) have your hands clasped
>            (c) have one or both your hands on your
> hips
>            (d) touch or push the person to whom you
> are talking
>            (e) play with your ear, touch your chin,
> or smooth
>                your hair
>=20
>       4. When relaxing, you sit with
>            (a) your knees bent and your legs neatly
> side by side
>            (b) your legs crossed
>            (c) your legs stretched out or straight
>            (d) with one leg curled under you
>=20
>       5. When something really amuses you, you
> react with
>            (a) a big, appreciative laugh
>            (b) a laugh, but not a loud one
>            (c) a quiet chuckle
>            (e) a sheepish smile
>=20
>       6. When you go to a party or social
> gathering, you
>            (a) make a loud entrance so everyone
> notices you
>            (b) make a quiet entrance, looking
> around for someone
>                you know
>            (c) make quietest possible entrance and
> try to stay
>                unnoticed
>=20
>        7. You are working hard, concentrating hard.
>  You are
>           interrupted.
>           You:
>            (a) welcome the break
>            (b) feel extremely irritated
>            (c) vary between these two extremes
>=20
>       8. Which of the following colors do you like
> most?
>            (a) red or orange
>            (b) black
>            (c) yellow or light blue
>            (d) green
>            (e) dark blue or purple
>            (f) white
>            (g) brown or gray
>=20
>       9. When you are in bed at night, in those
> last few moments
>          before going to sleep, you lie:
>           (a) stretched out on your back
>           (b) stretched out face down on your
> stomach
>           (c) on your side, slightly curled
>           (d) with your head on one arm
>           (e) with your head under the covers
>=20
>       10. You often dream that you are
>            (a) falling
>            (b) fighting or struggling
>            (c) searching for something or somebody
>            (d) flying or floating
>            (e) You usually have a dreamless sleep
>            (f) You're dreams are always pleasant
>=20
>=20
>      POINTS:
>=20
>       1.   (a)  2
>            (b)  4
>            (c)  6
>=20
>       2.   (a)  6
>            (b)  4
>            (c)  7
>            (d)  2
>            (e)  1
>=20
>       3.    (a)  4
>             (b)  2
>             (c)  5
>             (d)  7
>             (e)  6
>=20
>       4.    (a)  4
>             (b)  6
>             (c)  2
>             (d)  1
>=20
>       5.    (a)  6
>             (b)  4
>             (c)  3
>             (d)  5
>             (e)  2
>=20
>       6.    (a)  6
>             (b)  4
>             (c)  2
>=20
>       7.     (a)  6
>              (b)  2
>              (c)  4
>=20
>       8.     (a)  6
>              (b)  7
>              (c)  5
>              (d)  4
>              (e)  3
>              (f)  2
>              (g)  1
>=20
>       9.     (a)  7
>              (b)  6
>              (c)  4
>              (d)  2
>              (e)  1
>=20
>       10.    (a)  4
>              (b)  2
>              (c)  3
>              (d)  5
>              (e)  6
>              (f)  1
>=20
> Add the total number of points.
>=20
> OVER 60 POINTS:
> Others see you as someone they should "handle with
> care."
> You are seen as vain, self-centered, and extremely
> dominant.
> Others may admire you and wish they could be more
> like you, but they
> don't
> always trust you and hesitate to become too deeply
> involved with
> you.
>=20
> FROM 51 TO 60 POINTS:
> Your friends see you as an exciting, highly
> volatile,rather
> impulsive personality; a natural leader, quick to
> make decisions
> (though not always the right ones). They see you as
> bold and
> venturesome,
> someone who will try anything once; someone who
> takes a chance and
> enjoys an adventure.  They enjoy being in your
> company because of
> the excitement you radiate.
>=20
> FROM 41 TO 50 POINTS:
> Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing,
> practical,and
> always interesting; someone who is constantly the
> center of
> attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to
> let it go to your
> head.
> They see you also as kind, considerate, and
> understanding; someone
> who
> will cheer them up and help them out.
>=20
> FROM 31 TO 40 POINTS:
> Other people see you as sensible, cautious,
> careful, and
> practical... They see you as clever, gifted, or
> talented, but
> modest.
> Not a person who makes friends too quickly or too
> easily, but
> someone
> who is extremely loyal to the friends you do make
> and who expects
> the
> same loyalty in return. Those who really get to
> know you realize
> that
> it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends,
> but, equally,
> that
> it
> takes you a long time to get over it if that trust
> is broken.
>=20
> FROM 21 TO 30 POINTS:
> Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They
> see you as
> very, very cautious and extremely careful, a slow
> and steady
> plodder.
> It would really surprise them if you ever did
> something impulsively
> or on the spur of the moment.  They expect you to
> examine everything
> carefully from every side and then, usually decide
> against it.
> They think this reaction on your part is caused
> partly by your
> careful
> nature and partly by laziness.
>=20
> UNDER 21 POINTS:
> People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive,
> someone who
> needs to be looked after, who always wants someone
> else to make
> the decisions and who doesn't want to get involved
> with anyone
> or anything.   They see you as a worrier, who sees
> problems that
> don't
> exist.  Some people think you're boring.  Only the
> people who know
> you
> well
> know that you aren't.

Pig Storie

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for
> ham, bacon, etc.
> After several weeks, he notices that none of the
> pigs are getting
> pregnant and calls the vet for help.
>
> The vet tells the farmer that he should try
> artificial insemination.
>
> The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this
> means but, not
> wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet
> how he will know
> when the pigs are pregnant.
>
> The vet tells him that they will stop standing
> around and will,
> instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they
> are pregnant.
>
> The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He
> comes to the
> conclusion that artificial insemination means he has
> to impregnate
> the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck,
> drives them out into
> the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back
> and goes to bed.
>
> Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs.
> Seeing that they
> are all still standing around, he concludes that the
> first try didn't
> take effect, and loads them into the truck again. He
> drives them out
> to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure,
> brings them back
> and goes to bed.
>
> Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just
> standing around.
> "One more try," he tells himself, and proceeds to
> load them up and
> drive them out to the woods. He spends all day
> shagging the pigs and,
> upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.
>
> The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from
> the bed to look
> at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell
> him if the pigs
> are laying in the mud.
>
> "No," she says, "they are all in the truck and one
> of them is honking
> the horn."
 

HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME:
1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN:
1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
2. Dogs miss you when you're gone.
3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
4. Dogs admit when they're jealous.
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6. Dogs do not play games with you-except fetch (and they never laugh at how
you throw.) [Hey ladies, we men just laugh lovingly at how adorable you look
when you throw... as long as it's not a shoe.]
7. You can train a dog.
8. Dogs are easy to buy for.
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the really
worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it
and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

  HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN:
1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
10. A dog does not shop.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. Don't leave home without your ID.
2. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on
their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is most
effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as
you're dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8 If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

 high school sweethearts

 Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high  school were both virgins. They enjoyed losing their
>> >> virginity to eachother in 10th grade. When they graduated, they
>wanted
>> >> both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a
>college
>> >> on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast.
>> >> They
>> >> agreed to befaithful to each other and to spend anytime they
>> >> could together.
>> >>
>> >> As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she
>> >> would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to
>return
>> >> the
>> >> letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his
>> >> messages.
>> >> Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date
>> >> around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls,
>> >> letters,
>> >> and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed
>> >> with
>> >> his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him
>> >> off
>> >> her back.
>> >>
>> >> So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture
>> >> of her sucking her new boyfriend's dick and sent it to her old
>> >> boyfriend
>> >> with a note reading, "I found a new dick, leave me alone."
>> >>
>> >> Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but,
>> >> even more so, he was pissed. So, what he did next was going to fix her ass. He wrote on the back of the photo the following, "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!  I'm getting pretty desperate!"  And mailed the picture to her parents.

A nun

>   A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't
> stop
> staring at her, so she asks him why he is staring
> and
> he replies, "I have a question to ask you, but don't
> want to offend you."
>  She answers, "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
> When
> you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as
> I
> have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
> everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
> say or ask that I would find offensive."
> "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun
> perform
> oral sex on me,"
> She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about
> that... You must meet these conditions: First, you
> have to be single, and second, you must be
> Catholic."
> The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm
> single and I'm Catholic too!"
> The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley."
> He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when
> they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
> crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?"
> "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied; I
> must
> confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
> The nun says, "That's okay... my name is Kevin and
> I'm
> on my way to a Halloween party."

  Bob's Elbow

 Bob complained to his friend "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00." Bob figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy labor It will be better in two weeks. Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard -- Get a water softener.
> Your dog has worms  -- Give him vitamins.
> Your daughter's on drugs, -- Put her in rehab. Your wife's pregnant -- It ain't yours---get a lawyer.
>
> And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better.

math trick
1. Pick a number, any number (any number between  1 and 9, that is!)
2. Multiply this number by 2.
3. Add 5.
4. Multiply it by 50.
5. If you have already had your birthday this year,  add 1749. If you haven't, add 1748.
6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
SEE BELOW:
RESULTS:
You should now have a three digit number:
The first digit of this was your original number.

The second two digits are your age!!!
This is the only year (1999) it will ever work, so spread the fun around by mailing this to your friends
 
 
 

son in-law
A man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
> He'd toss them in the
> air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of
> catching one, his wife
> asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a
> peanut fell in his ear.
>
> He tried and tried to dig it out but he only pushed
> it in deeper. After
> hours of trying they became worried and decided to
> go to hospital. As they
> were out the door, their daughter came home with her
> date.
>
> After being informed of the problem, their
> daughter's date said he could
> get the peanut out. The young man shoved two fingers
> up the father's nose
> and told him to blow hard.  When the father blew,
> the peanut flew out. The
> mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy.
>
> The young man insisted that it was nothing and the
> daughter and he went to
> the kitchen for something to eat.
>
> Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.
> The mother said, "That's
> wonderful. Isn't he smart?  What do you think he's
> going to be when he
> grows older?"
>
> The father replied  "From the smell of his
> fingers,... our son in-law!"

 Horse/Chicken
>
> One day a horse and a chicken were playing in the
> meadow. In the middle of the meadow there was a mud
> hole.  While wildly running around, the horse fell
> into the mud hole and became stuck.  He spied the
> chicken nearby and called for help.
>
> "Hey, chicken, I'm stuck in the mud hole. Go to the
> farmer's house for help!!," yelled the horse.
>
> The chicken took off and ran to the farm house, but
> the farmer was not home.  The chicken saw the farmer's
> Mercedes in the driveway and decided to drive it out
> to the meadow to save the horse.  The chicken grabbed
> a coil of rope, hopped into the Mercedes and drove out
> to the meadow.  Once there, he tied the end of the
> rope to the Mercedes and tossed the other end to the
> horse.  The chicken hopped back in the Mercedes and
> pulled the horse from the mud.
>
> The horse was very grateful. He said, "Thanks chicken,
> if you ever need anything you can count on me."
>
> The chicken replied, "No problem, horse." and both
> went their separate ways.
>
> A few weeks later, the horse and the chicken were once
> again playing in the meadow. This time the chicken
> fell into the mud hole and became stuck.
>
> "Hey, horse," called the chicken "I'm stuck, go to the
> farmer's house for help!!"
>
> The horse came over to the mud hole and looked things
> over.  "I think I can get you out without any help,"
> said the horse. He carefully straddled the mud hole
> and said to the chicken, "You know what to grab for."
>
> The chicken looked up and saw what was hanging below
> the horse, he thought, "What the Heck?" and grabbed
> hold and pulled himself free of the mud.
>
> The moral of this story is:
>
> If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a
> Mercedes to pick up chicks!

    The Voodoo Penis

  A business man was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely healthy sex drive, so he  thought he'd buy her a little something to keep her occupied while he was gone. He went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said,"Well, We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except---" and he stopped. "Except what?" the man asked."Nothing, nothing." "C'mon, tell me! I need something!" "Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is The Voodoo Penis."   "So what's up with this Voodoo Penis?" he asked. The old man reached under the counter, and pulled out a very old wooden box, carved with strange symbols and erotic images. He opened it, and there lay an ordinary-looking dildo.The businessman laughed, and said "Big damn deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop! " The old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo Penis, the door." The Voodoo Penis miraculously rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with the vibrations, so much so that a crack began to form down the middle. Before the door split, the old man said "Voodoo Penis, return to box!" The Voodoo Penis stopped, levitated back to the box and lay there quiescent once more.  "I'll take it!" said the businessman.  The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo Penis, my crotch." After he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny and remembered the Voodoo  Penis. She  said "Voodoo Penis, my crotch!" The Voodoo Penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was absolutely incredible, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked.  Her husband had forgotten to tell her how to shut it off. Worried, she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in The car and started to drive, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another incredible intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, she explained, "I haven't had anything to drink, officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me!" The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and in an arrogant voice replied, "Yeah, right... Voodoo Penis, my ass.
  The rest is history

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
> >> Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt,
> >> leather jacket, and jeans.
> >> Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know
> >> whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
> >> The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
> >> Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi-driver,
> >> "Take this silken robe and golden staff and Enter the Kingdom."
> >> The taxi-driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
> >> Next it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out,
> >> "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years."
> >> Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister,
> >> "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom."
> >> "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi-driver and
> >> he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
> >> "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter.
> >> "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

Think about it first

A man was walking along a California beach when he stumbled
across an old lamp.  He picked it up and out popped a genie.
The genie said, "Okay.  You released me from the lamp, and
blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm
getting a little sick of these wishes, so you can forget about
three.  You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about
it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii
but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build
me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible.  Think of the
logistics of that!  How would the supports ever reach the
bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete, how much
steel!!!  No, think of another wish."

The man said,  "Okay", and tried to think of a really good
wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four
times.  My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm
insensitive.  So .. . . I wish that I could understand women .
I mean REALLY understand women . . . know how they feel
inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent
treatment .  . know why they're crying . . . know what they
really want when they say "nothing" . . . know how to make them
really happy . . . ."

The genie stared at the man for a moment, then said, "You want that
bridge two lanes or four?"

Blonde

A blond woman was driving her car home one night when she suddenly found herself in the middle of a real bad hail storm. The hail stones were as big as golf balls Her car got dented up real bad.  The next day she took it to a repair shop. The repair guy noticing that she was blond, decided to have some fun and told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard when she got home,and the dents would pop out. When she got home she started blowing into the tail pipe, and her blond girlfriend saw her. Her friend was startled and said, "What are you doing?" thinking the worst. She told her that the repair guy told her to blow into the tail pipe real hard and the dents would pop out.  The blond girlfriend says "Duh! You need to roll up the windows first!"
 
 

OLD BOAT!!!!

   Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated  old boat. It so happened that John's wife died the same day that Joe's boat sank.  A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John. She said, 'I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. Joe, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, Heck no in fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and  a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle.' The old  lady fainted.

Life's a bitch

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,  the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress.   If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each
 morning,  fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good  mood.    For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work.  And for dinner,  prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.  Don't discuss your problems with him;  it will only make his stress worse.  Try to relax your husband in the evening  by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.  Encourage him to  watch some type of team sporting event on television.  And, most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy  his every whim. If you can do
 this for the next 10 months to a year,I think your husband will regain his health completely.   On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctorsay?"
 "You're going to die," she replied.
 

Old Mans Wedding Night

> An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they
> got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up
> three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph,
> "Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No",
> said the old man, "It means you can take your pick."

 30 Harsh Things A Woman Can Say To A Naked Man
> 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
> 2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
> 3. Why don't we just cuddle?
> 4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
> 5. Make it dance.
> 6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
> 7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
> 8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
> 9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
> 10. Oh no... a flash headache.
> 11. (giggle and point)
> 12. Can I be honest with you?
> 13 How sweet, you brought incense.
> 14. This explains your car.
> 15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
> 16. Why is God punishing me?
> 17. At least this won't take long.
> 18. I never saw one like that before.
> 19. But it still works, right?
> 20. It looks so unused.
> 21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
> 22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
> 23. Are you cold?
> 24. If you get me real drunk first.
> 25. Is that an optical illusion?
> 26. What is that?
> 27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
> 28. Does it come with an air pump?
> 29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
> 30. I guess this makes me the early bird.

Little Johnny
>>> Little Johnny rushes home from school.  He invades the fridge and is
>>> scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the
>>> kitchen.  She says, "Put that away, Little Johnny. You can't have ice
>>> cream now. It's too close to supper time.  Go outside and play."
>>>
>>> Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."  Trying to
>>> placate him, she says, "OK.  I'll play with you.  What do  you want to play?"
>>>
>>> "I wanna play 'Mommie and Daddy,'" Little Johnny whines in reply.
>>>
>>> Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says,
>>> "Fine, I'll play.  What do I do?"
>>>
>>> Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down as if  you're
>>> taking a nap."
>>>
>>> Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.
>>>
>>> Little Johnny, acting a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens  the
>>> utility closet.   He puts on his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the
>>> stairs, he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table.  He picks it
up and slips it in the corner of his mouth.  At the top of the stairs he moves to
>>the bedroom doorway.
>>>
>>> His mother raises her head and asks, "What do I do now?"
>>>
>>> In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says,  "Get your ass downstairs and get
>>that kid some ice cream!"

Uncle Charlie Parrot

>>>>
>>>> When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's
>>prized
>>>> Amazon parrot.  This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and
a
>>>> worse vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive.  Those that
>weren't
>>>> expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.
>>>>
>>>> Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying
>>>> polite words, playing soft music -- anything he could think of to try
>and
>>>> set a good example...
>>>>
>>>> Nothing worked.  Exasperated, he yelled at the bird.  But the bird just
>>>> got louder.  Then he shook the parrot.  But the bird just got more
angry
>>>> and  more rude.
>>>>
>>>> Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bill put the parrot in the
freezer.
>>>> For
>>>> a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, and screaming...
>>>>
>>>> Then, suddenly, all was quiet.
>>>>
>>>> Bill was frightened that he might have hurt his dead uncle's prized
>>parrot
>>>> and quickly opened the freezer door.
>>>>
>>>> The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bill's extended arm and said: "I am
>>>> truly
>>>> sorry that I might have offended you with my language and action and I
>>>> humbly ask your forgiveness.  I will now, from this day forth, endeavor
>>to
>>>> correct my behavior so that such an ill-perceived outburst never again
>>>> occurs."
>>>>
>>>> Bill was completely astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was
>>>> about to ask what had caused such a dramatic change when the parrot
>>>> continued:  "May I ask what the chicken did?"
 

TEST

Read this sentence:
> >  FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE-
> >  SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIF-
> >  IC STUDY COMBINED WITH
> >  THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.
> >
> >
> >  Now count aloud the F's in that sentence. Count
> > them ONLY ONCE: DO NOT
> >  go  back and count them again. See below...
> >  Answer below:
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >
> >  ANSWER:
> >  There are six F's in the sentence.
> >  One of average intelligence finds three of them.
> If
> > you spotted four,
> >  you're above average. If you got five, you can
> turn
> > your nose at most
> >  anybody. If you caught six, you are a genius.
> > There is no catch. Many
> >  people forget the "OF"'s. The human brain tends
> to
> > see them as V's and
> >  not F's. Pretty weird, huh?
 

That Pesky Red Riding Hood
>
> Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road
> when
> she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a
> log.
> "My, what big eyes you have Mr. Wolf!", says Little
> Red Riding Hood. The wolf jumps up and runs away.
> Further
> down the road Little Red RidingHood sees the wolf
> again.
> This time he is crouched behind a tree stump. "My,
> what
> big ears you have Mr Wolf!", says Little Red Riding
> Hood. Once again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
> About
> 2 miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees
> the
> wolf yet again, this time crouched down behind a
> road
> sign. "My, what big teeth you have Mr Wolf!", taunts
> Little Red Riding Hood. With that the Big Bad Wolf
> jumps
> up and screams, "Will you leave me the fuck alone?
> I'm
> trying to take a shit you dumb bitch!"
 

Laws of Golf

 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet  to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it
 has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a  tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

 LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever.  The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

 LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic.  Though this cannot  be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

 LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play.  If one does,  the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

 LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.

 LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

 LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers.  The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

 LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

 LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

 LAW 10: Sand is alive.  If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?

 LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

 LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group.  Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS  agent -- or some similar
 combination.

 LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

 LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).

 LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

 LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly,  "tough break" can usually be translated "way to
 miss an easy one, sucker."

 LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

 LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

 LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

 LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
 

Three Wishes

An older woman was cleaning her Attic with her cat by her side forcompany. Amongst the boxes and old papers she found a little lamp. She picked it up and wiped it  off with her apron, when "POOF" out popped a genie. "I will grant you three wishes" proclaimed the genie.   The woman thought for a moment and said "I wish I was the most beautiful 20 year old woman in the world","I   wish I had more money than I knew what to do with",and  I wish you would turn my cat into the most handsome prince around."  The Genie nodded and after a huge cloud of dust the  genie was gone and so was the lamp. The woman looked at herself and she was certainly beautiful. She was surrounded with scads of money in large bills. She   flung an armful in the air and watched it flutter down around her. She giggled with delight at the mountains of cash. Then she turned to look where her adoring cat  once stood. There in the felines place stood a tall  dark, handsome man with chiseled features. A washboard stomach, broad shoulders and a soccer-players-tush.   She walked over to him, he put his arms around her,  brushed his hand upon her cheek, looked deep into her  eyes and whispered softly...  Now, aren't you sorry you had me neutered?"
 

Don't Lie To Your Mom

     John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates." About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I can't find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, John"
     Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which  read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and  I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie.   But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"
 

 A fellow bought a new sports car and was out on the Interstate for a nice  evening drive.  The top was down, the breeze was
blowing through his hair and  he decided to open her up.  As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue  light behind him.  "There ain't no way they can catch me," he thought to  himself and opened her up further.  The needle hit 90, 100, 110 and finally  120 with the lights still behind him.  "What in hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled
over.  The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and  the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel  like more paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving  that I  haven't heard before you can go!"   "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you  were trying to give her  back!"   "Have a nice night", said the officer.
 
 

A man and his friend meet at the club house and decide to play a round of golf together. The man has a little dog with him and on the first green, when the man holes out a 20 foot putt, the little dog starts to yip and stands up on its hind legs. The friend is quite amazed at this clever trick and says, "That dog is really talented! What does he do if you miss a putt?" "Somersaults," says the man. "Somersaults?!" says the friend, "That's incredible. How many does he do?" "Hmmm," says the man. "That depends on how hard I kick him in the ass."
 

Jesus and Moses and another guy go golfing one day. Moses comes up and places his ball on the tee. He swings, and it's a
very good shot, but not quite on the green. He hits it on the green, and putts it in for par. Jesus comes up and hits the ball, and
it goes on the green. He puts it in for birdie. "Good shot, Jesus" says Moses. Then the third guy comes up and swings the
club, hits the ball WAY up and it lands in the lake. A frog comes up out of the water with the ball in his mouth, and an eagle
swoops down and grabs the frog in its talons. It flies for a second, then the frog drops the ball. It lands on the green and
gently trickles into the hole for a HOLE IN ONE! Moses leans over to Jesus and whispers "I just hate playing with your dad".
 

 Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.  And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give  100% at work....12% on Monday, 23% on Tuesday, 40% on Wednesday, 20% on   Thursday,  5% on Fridays and help me to remember......When I'm having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss  me off,     that it takes 42 muscles  to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger  and tell   them to bite me.
 

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING FLOW CHART:

SYMPTOM:Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:Have yourself lashed to bar.

SYMPTOM:Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION:See above.

SYMPTOM:Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
face.
ACTION:Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM:Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION:Stand next to nearest dog, complain about her house
training.

SYMPTOM:Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION:Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM:Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION:Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM:Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:Cover mouth.
=====================================
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one
turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what
else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,
I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, I
shut off the engine and coast into the garage, I take my
shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs,
I get undressed in the bathroom, I ease into bed and my wife
STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously
taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam
the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet,
jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How
about a little?' and she pretends she's asleep !"
========================================
Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting.

 He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap
 on his shoulder. He turned round to see a big black bear.

 The black bear said: "You've got two choices. I either maul you
 to death or we have sex." Frank decided to bend over. Even
 though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and
 vowed revenge.

 He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear
 and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a
 huge grizzly bear stood right next to him.

 The grizzly said: "That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got
 two choices. Either I maul you to death or we'll have rough sex."
 Again, Frank thought it was better to comply.

 Although he survived, it would take several months before Frank
 finally recovered.  Outraged he headed back to the woods,
 managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet
 revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned
 round to find a giant polar bear standing there.

 The polar bear said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for
 the hunting."
===============================================
The Coma
After a long and serious operation, Lena ended up in a coma.

Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her
husband Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave
him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told
Ralph in a quiet somber voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling voice said

"But doctor, she's so young. She's only 45."

"37," came the weak reply from Lena.
======================================
same cow

A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the
alley that had all of the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his
sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year,
you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65
times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last
year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365
times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last
year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times
with the same cow."
 

**THE HORNY HIPPIE**
 A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver  tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to  have sex with you."      The hippie decides this is a great  idea , so that  Tuesday he goes to    the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says.  "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them,  BUT ... first  you must have sex with me."    The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his  way with the nun.  After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!"   Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha!  I'm the bus driver!!"
 

Sex with the Teacher
 A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was. He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."  "Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.  Awhile later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."  Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.  "Alright! That's my boy!", says dad. "Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right?  Wow. That's my son! Ya know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"  So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town. "You gonna ride it home son?" asks dad. the boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still sore."

 [Little Jimmy]
Did you hear about little Jimmy?  He is four years old. He was bugging his mother so she said,  "Jimmy, why don't you go across the street and watch the builders work.  Maybe you'll learn something." Jimmy was gone about 2 hours.  When he came home his mother asked him what he learned. Jimmy replied, "Well, first you put the God damn  door up, then the son of a bitch doesn't fit, so you have to take the cock sucker back down.  Then,you have to take a cunt hair off each side and put the  mother fucker back up." Jimmys mother said, "You wait till your dad comes home!"  When Jimmys dad got home, Mom told him to ask Jimmy what he learned across the street.  Jimmy told his dad the whole story.  Dad said, "Jimmy you go outside and get a switch." Jimmy replied, "Fuck you, that's the electricians job."

 T.G.I.F
A businessman got on an elevator in a building.   When he entered the  elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him  by saying,              "T-G-I-F." He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked at him puzzled, and said, "T-G-I-F," again. He acknowledged her  remark again by answering, "S-H-I-T." The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said  as sweetly as possibly         "T-G-I-F," another time. The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical  expression, "S-H-I-T." The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,  "T-G-I-F"      Thank  Goodness It's Friday, get it?"  The man answered, "Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday."
 

Genie
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he  had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his  golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter. "Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get  that monster?"  "I got it from my genie".  "You have a genie?" he asked  "Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."  "Could I see him?"  He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.   The friend says, "I'm a  good friend of your master. Will you grant me   one wish?"  "Yes I will", the genie said so he asks him  for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there  waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.  The friend tells the golfing partner, "I asked  for a million Bucks,  not Ducks!" He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is  hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
 

 AGING--SO FEW ARE SPARED
 Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out... You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long  as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less fun--and fun a lot more work. Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired. Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle. Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that  will get you home earlier. A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor  instead of by the police. You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only  thing you care to exercise. Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every  man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds? You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you. By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything in which I'm too old to enjoy.  Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.What could hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion? At my age, "getting a little action" means I don't need to take a laxative. Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Parliament(Congress for you Americans). You're getting old when "getting lucky" means you find your car in the  parking lot. You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker, and you can't get it  started. You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't know  until the 1st of July. You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you  didn't do anything the night before. The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out. Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news--the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas because it's  too risky of an investment. Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money. There are three signs of old age. The first is one's loss of memory, the other two I forget. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
 

The Clocks
 A guy dies and goes to heaven. It's a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says "I'm not very busy today, why don't you let me show you around?"  The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.  The guy asks, "What's up with these clocks?"  St. Peter explains, "Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged."  The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why that is.  St. Peter explains, "Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock."  This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, "What's the story with that clock?"  "Oh, that," St. Peter replies, "That's OJ Simpson's clock. We decided to use it as a fan."
 

Turning  65

Grandpa was to turn 65 on Wednesday. Grandma had gathered all of the papers he needed and put them in a folder for his trip
to the Social Security office. She noticed after he went, he left his folder at home so she was expecting him to come home for it.   When he came home, he had a letter in his hand saying that he was going  to get his S.S. benefits. Grandma wanted to know how this came about. Grandpa told her that the woman at S.S. looked at him and said "You certainly have enough grey hair to get S.S. Now, if you will just open  your shirt and let me see the hair on your chest, I
will make my decision."   Grandpa then said to Grandma, "So, I opened my shirt and let her see the  hair on my chest.  She said "Oh, my yes, you are certainly eligible for S.S."    Grandma was amazed.  She thought for a minute and said, "You mean to tell me that you got social security because this woman saw your grey hair and grey chest hair?"  Grandpa said, "That's right."      Grandma asked, "Well why didn't you undo your zipper? You could have qualified for disability!"
 

Hooker Handjob

Harry and his wife are having rough financial times, so they both decide that she'll become a hooker until things smooth over a bit. She's not quite sure what to do so Harry says, "Just stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner." Five minutes later a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She replies, "A hundred dollars." Disappointed he says, "Damn! All I've got is thirty." She thinks for a second and then says, "Hold on." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?" He tells her that she can give him a handjob. She runs back and tells the guy that all he can get for thirty bucks is a handjob. He agrees and she gets in the car with him. He unzips his pants and pulls out this abnormally large cock. She stares at it for a minute and then says, "I'll be right back!" She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?!?!?!?!?!"
 

The Dentist
A lady walks into the dentist's office, takes off her underwear,  sits down on the chair and spreads her legs wide open. "You must have made a mistake," says the shocked dentist, "The gynecologist's office is one level higher." To that the lady replies, "No mistake, you installed my husband's dentures last week, now you'll be the one getting them out."
 

 How to Get to Heaven
 Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, "I'm afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy". "So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?" asked Lucy as she fought back the tears. At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven".  Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said, "Mummy almost died this morning". Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? "Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy".

3 old ladies
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench talking amongst themselves when a flasher came by. The flasher stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat. Well, the first old lady had a stroke, and then the second old lady had a stroke, and the third old lady..........well, she couldn't reach that far..

Growing Pains
 A teacher is reviewing her class' homework assignment. She asks Susie to stand up and tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated. Susie stands up, shuffles her feet and says, "Well, I think I know, but I'm too embarrassed to tell you." The teacher says, "Sit down, Susie. Johnny, tell the class what part of the human body enlarges to seven times its size when stimulated."  Johnny says, "That's easy. The pupil of the eye enlarges to seven times its original size when stimulated by light."  The teacher says,  "That's right, Johnny." Then she turns to Susie and says, "Susie, first of all, you didn't do your homework. Second,  you have a dirty mind.  And third, when you get married, you're in for a big disappointment."
 

100 Miles an Hour
 A young couple is out carousing one evening. While driving down the highway the guy says to the girl, "If I go 100 miles an hour, will you take off your clothes?" She agrees and he begins to speed up. When the speedometer hits 100 she starts to strip. When she gets all her clothes off  he is so busy staring at her that he drives off the road and flips the car. The girl is thrown clear
without a scratch but her clothes and her boyfriend are trapped in the car. "Go get help.", he pleads. She replies, "I can't, I'm naked."  He points to his shoe that was thrown clear and says, "Cover your snatch with that and go get help."She takes the shoe, covers herself, and runs to the gas station down the road. When she arrives she is frantic and yells to the attendant, "HELP! HELP! My boyfriend's stuck!" The attendant looks down at the shoe covering her crotch and replies, "I'm sorry Miss. He's too far in."
 

The Disaster
"Oh, No!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything likeit. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded. Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten. He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away. In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"  From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.  "It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room."

Long time in between
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man: You appear to be in good health. Do you have  any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me? In fact, I do, said  the man. After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot  and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly. This is very interesting, replied the doctor. Let me do some research  and get back to you. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said:  Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you  would like to discuss with me? The lady replied that she had no questions nor  concerns. The doctor then asked: your husband had an unusual concern. He  claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with  you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why? Oh that  old buzzard! she replied. That's because the first time  is usually in July  and the second time is usually in December!
 

Join the Church
 Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."  The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"  The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.  The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"  The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."  "Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied.  "What Happened?" inquired the pastor.  "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."  "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.  "That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either."

Condoms

 This guy went into a pharmacy to buy some condoms. The only problem was that he didn't know what size to buy because he'd never done it before. He went up to a cashier, who happened to be a beautiful blonde and said, "Excuse me, Miss, I need to purchase some condoms, but I don't know what size to get."  So the blonde said, "Alright, come here," and proceeded to reach into his pants and feel around for a while... Then she reached for her loud speaker, and said, "Hey, Sid, I need a box of large condoms in isle 3!!" So the guy took his condoms and left.

 A couple of hours later, another man came in with the same problem. He went up to the blonde, and said, "I need to buy a box of condoms, but I don't know what size." So she took him aside, and the next thing he knows, she's shouting, "Hey, Sid, I need a box small condoms in isle 3!!" into her loudspeaker. The guy, embarrassed as hell, took his condoms and left.

 A couple of hours later a kid about 16 years old walked into the pharmacy, also looking to buy a box of condoms. He didn't know what size to buy so he walked up to the blonde, and told her his problem. Sighing she said, "Alright, come here and let me see what you got." So he walked over to her, and she started to feel around. With a smirk, she reached over to her loud speaker, and shouted, "Hey, Sid, clean up in isle 3!!"
 

CAMEL MECHANIC:

 Two desert travelers rented a Camel from Hertz-Rent-a-Camel. Out in the middle of the desert the camel stopped and laid down. The chaps could not get it to arise no matter what they tried. They stopped a passing Caravan and asked the leader to send out a Camel Mechanic when they got to the nearest village.  A few hours later the Mechanic arrived. He looked in the Camel's mouth, ears, and up its rectum. He went to his tool bag and pulled out a large rubber headed sledge hammer. He raised this high in the air and brought it down on the Camel's belly, as hard as he could.  Well, Sir! That Camel let a Fart you could hear ,and smell, as far away as 17 sand dunes. It then struggled to its feet. "Ah ha!" the Mechanic said,  "Just as I thought. Vapour locked."

JUST WON`T FIT!!!
 Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He says, "Jack let me tell you something.  On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother, and I said, here try these on."   So she did and said, "these just don't  fit." So I replied,  "...exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will.  Ever since that night we have never had any problems."   "Hmmm," says Jack.  He thinks that might be a good thing to try.  So on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "here try these on."   So she does and says, "these just won't work.."   So Jack says, "...exactly.  I wear the pants in this family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."   Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "here you try on mine."  So he does and says, "I can't get into these."   So Jill says, "...exactly.  And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Problem
A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and  stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.  Can you help me?" "Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a  proud physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick!  You take some pills, and your problems are history" So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got  to thank you!  This drug is a miracle!  It's wonderful!  "Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does your wife think about it?" "Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't been home yet."
 
 

Why can`t this ever happen to me
The old farmer was having a pretty bad year. All of his crops  had been lost. Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only  way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.  Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door. A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy  voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?" Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really  nice peaches for sale". The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit.  So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She  said, "Are those peaches full and firm like these?" Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really  good peaches." So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties.  She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious  like this?" The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said,  "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches." She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?" The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think  you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

new hair style
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo.  He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong> half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.  A few weeks later he receives a letter from his> grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle....it makes your nose look too short!"

Confession
 A drunk staggers into a church and sits down in a confessional and says nothing.  The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing.  The priest knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.> The drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Washing Machine

 This young couple was about to get married and the night before their wedding day they had a talk. They  decided that the one thing that they never wanted to have a problem with was initiating sex in their marriage.  To solve that problem they decided to come up with a "code word" to help break the ice when asking for sex. While they were trying to think of a word the washing machine went off balance and the husband says, "I have an idea, why not use 'washing machine' as the code word?" So washing machine it was...  A year passed by and one night they were lying in bed and she was reading and he was watching TV. The husband rolls over and says, "Honey, Washing machine?", and she replies, "Honey, not tonight, I've got a huge headache, I promise we'll do it tomorrow night!"  So he say's, "Alright that's fine, We'll do it tomorrow." They roll to their respective side of the bed and go to sleep. However, the wife can't sleep because she's thinking, gosh we've only been married 1 year so we're still practically newlyweds maybe I should indulge him. She rolls over to her husband and whispers, "Honey, are you still awake??", and he replies, "Yeah, what do you want?". She says, "Washing Machine?!?!?!?" and he replies, "Forget about it. It was a small load, I did it by hand."
 

Wash Day!
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his  utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for  the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up, and  showed her his enormous boner. "You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do  you think we ought to do with it?" With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got  all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it!"
 

2nd time around
A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her
from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.   Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears. As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and pours a glass of water over her ass. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into his belief. After another ten minutes, the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws another glass of water over her ass. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date. The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter?  Have  I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest    thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."    After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water  over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and    places a match stick under each eye lid." "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.  The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you  going to get this asshole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, screw him. I'm watching the match.'"
 

Pepper

 A man and woman are seated next to each other on a plane. After take off the woman violently
 sneezes and excuses herself to go to the bathroom - and the man next to her stands up to let her out.
 She returned, and 5 minutes later, she sneezed and once more excused herself to go to the
 bathroom.
 She returned again, and immediately sneezed again, excused herself and went to the bathroom...
 The man, getting irritated at this point - asked her: "You keep sneezing, what's the problem?"
 The woman responded: " I have a rare condition - everytime I sneeze I have an orgasm"
The man said: "What are you taking for it?"
The woman responded: "Pepper."
 

The Model

Doris & Fred had started their retirement years and decided to raise some extra cash by advertising
for a lodger in their 2 up 2 down terrace house.

After a few days a young attractive woman applied for the room and explained that she was a model,
working in a nearby Manchester studio for a few weeks and that she would like the room Monday
through Thursdays, but would pay for the whole week. Doris showed her the house and they agreed
to start right away.

"There's just one problem," explained the model. "Because of my job I have to have a bath every
night, and I notice you don't have a bath."

"That's not a problem," replied Doris. "We have a tin bath out in the yard and we bring it in to the
 living room, in front of the fire, and fill it with hot water."

"What about your husband?" asked the model.
"Oh, he plays darts most weekdays so he will be out in the evenings," replied Doris.
"Good," replied the model, "I'll go to the studio and see you tonight."

 That evening Fred dutifully went to his darts match while Doris prepared the bath for the model. After
  stripping, the model stepped into the bath and Doris was amazed to see that she had no pubic hair.
  The model noticed Doris's staring eyes, smiled and explained that it is part of her job to shave her
   pussy, especially when modeling swimwear or underclothes.

  Later when Fred returned Doris related this oddity; he didn't believe her. "It's true, I tell you," said
 Doris, "Look, if you don't believe me, tomorrow night I'll leave the curtains slightly open and you can
 peek in and see for yourself."

  The next night Fred left as usual and Doris prepared the bath for the model. As the model stepped
  naked into the bath, Doris, standing behind her, looked towards the curtains, and pointed towards
  the model's naked pussy. She then lifted up her own skirt and, wearing no panties, pointed to her
  own hairy mass.

  Later Fred returned and they retired to bed. "Well, do you believe me now?" she asked him.
  "Yes," he replied. "I've never seen anything like it in my life. But why did you lift up your skirt and
  show your hairy twat?"

"Just to show you the difference," answered Doris. "Anyway, you've seen my pussy millions of
 times."
 "Sure, I have," replied Fred, "but until tonight, the rest of the dart team hasn't!"

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says I'll have a chocolate, the wife
 says I'll have a vanilla. Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "what do you
 want fat head?"
The lady helping them says why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?
The husband says, "there are three things in life a man wants: The 1st thing is a nice big truck. And
 you see that nice big truck sitting there (outside) that's my nice truck.

 The 2nd thing in life a man wants is a nice big house (come over here to the window) you see that
  nice big house on top of the hill there, that's my big house.
 The 3rd thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy and I had that until fat head came along.
 

Top 11 reasons why E-mail is like a Penis

11. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

10. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

  9. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

  8. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call *E-Mail Envy*

  7. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.

  6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think
      that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.

  5. If you don't take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.

  4. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

  3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

  2. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

  And the number one reason Why E-Mail is Like a Penis

  1. If you play with it too much, you go blind....
 

How big are your feet?

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult
         to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all
                                     these short term relationships.

         Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked
                                               earnestly.

                "The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

        So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a
      young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes
       on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment
                                       for an evening of abandon.

        When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside
        table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out
                                  and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
 

Eye Test

                      A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight.

                             The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

                                  Doctor: Can you read the bottom line?

                                             Girl: No

                                  Doctor: Can you read the center line?

                                             Girl: No

                                 Doctor: Can you read the large top line?

                                             Girl: No

                           Doctor (getting frustrated): Can you even see the chart?

                                             Girl: No

                      The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.

                                       Doctor: Can you see this?

                                          Girl: Of course!

                           Doctor: Well, there's your problem -- you're cock-eyed!
 
 

Taxi Driver

One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver
 spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an
alley halfway down the block. Even before he rolled to
 a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into  the cab
 and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror
as he pulled away, he was startled to see a
 dripping wet, naked woman  sitting in the back seat.
 "Where to Miss?" he stammered.  "Kings Cross,"
answered the woman.  "You got it," he said,
 taking another long  glance in the mirror.  The
 woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just
what the hell are you looking at driver?"

 "Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how
 you'll pay your fare?"
 "The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the
 front seat, smiled at
 the driver and said, "Does this answer  your
 question?".

  Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got
 anything smaller? "
 

Port or Sherry

A wealth playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive
lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon
discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed
and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into
bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings,
first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said,
"Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it's the nectar of the gods.
Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a
glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed
and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the
enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy. I
seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my
whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins
being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another
world. "On the other hand, Port makes me fart."

The Family Gogh

  After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist, Vincent Van Gogh
had many relatives.  Among them were:

 His obnoxious brother.................Please Gogh
 His dizzy aunt   .....................Verti Gogh
 The brother who ate prunes............Gotta Gogh
 The brother who worked at a convenience store......Stopn Gogh
 The grandfather from Yugoslavia.......U Gogh
 The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
 The cousin from Illinois..............Chica Gogh
 His magician uncle....................Wherediddy Gogh
 His Mexican cousin....................Amee Gogh
 The Mexican cousin's American half brother...........Grin Gogh
 The nephew who drove a stage coach.....Wellsfar Gogh
 The constipated uncle..................Cant Gogh
 The ballroom dancing aunt..............Tan Gogh
 The bird love uncle....................Flamin Gogh
 His nephew psychoanalyst...............E Gogh
 The fruit loving cousin................Man Gogh
 An aunt who taught positive thinking...Wayto Gogh
 The little bouncy nephew...............Poe Gogh
 A sister who loved disco...............Go Gogh
 

Nuther joke

 A young punker gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked,
 multicolored hair that's green, purple and orange. His clothes
are a tattered mix of colorful leather rags. His legs are bare and he
 is without shoes. His entire face and body are riddled with pierced
 jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.
 He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly across from an old
 man who just stares at him for the next ten miles. Finally, the punk
 gets self-conscious and barks at the old man. What are you looking at,
you old fart....didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young"?
Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I
 was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one night in
 Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my son.
 

Typical Man

 A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use
 the mens room is
 nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the
 aircraft. Each time he
 tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The
 stewardess, aware of
 his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use
 the ladies room,
 but cautioned him against using any of the buttons
 inside. The buttons
 were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".

 Making the mistake that so many men make in
 disregarding the importance of what a woman says,
the man let his curiosity get the best of him and
 decided to try the buttons anyway.

 He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW"
 and immedately warm water sprayed all over his
entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women
 really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the
 button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm
air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that
was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a
 large powder puff which delicately applied a soft
 talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button
 marked "ATR".
 When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and
 buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried
out, "What happened to me?! The last thing
 I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business
 trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until
 you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon
 Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
 

http://members.tripod.com/~EyerisZ/j12.htm"

THE FERRARI AND THE MOPED
 A hip young man goes out and buys a 1997 Ferrari GTO.
 It is the best and most expensive car available in the world, costing
 about $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and while stopping for a
 red light, an old man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old)
 pulls up next to him.
 The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks,
 "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"
 The young man replies, "A 1997 Ferrari GTO. They cost about a
 half million dollars!"
 "That's a lot of money," says the old man, shocked.
 "Why does it cost so much?"
 "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
 states the cool dude proudly.
 The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"
 "Sure," replies the owner.
 The old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
 Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty
 nice car, all right!"
 Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the old
 man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds
 the speedometer reads 320 mph. Suddenly, he notices a dot in
 his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
 He slows down to see what it  could be and suddenly, whoosh!
 Something whips by him, going much faster! "What on earth could
 be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself.
 Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot cooming  toward him. Whoosh!
 It goes by again, heading the opposite direction! It almost looked
 like the old man on the moped!
 "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could a moped outrun a Ferrari?"
 Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror! Whoosh, Ka-BbblaMMM!
 It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end. The
 young man jumps out, and it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the
 old man are hurting for certain. He runs up to the injured old man and
 says, "You're badly hurt!  Is there anything I can do for you?"
 The old man moans and replies, "Yes. Unhook my suspenders
 from your side-view mirror!"
 

Little Brother Needs help
 Two little brothers, ages nine and four go into a grocery
store.  The nine year old grabs a box of tampons and carries it to the
 register for check out. The clerk llooks at him and says, "These
 must be for your mom, huh?". The nine year old says, "Nope. Not
 for mom.    " The clerk then asked, "Well, they must be for your
 sister then, right?" The nine year old responded, "Nope. Not
 for my sister either."   By now, the cashier is curious, and
 asks, "Well, if they're not for your mom and not for your sister, who
 are they for?" The boy replied, "They're for my little four  year old brother here."
The cashier, who is taken by surprise, says,"Your four year old little brother?"
The nine year old explains, "Well, yeah. They say on television if you wear
these you can swim or ride a bike, and my little brother can't do either one!"
 
 
 

We do all the work:

 For a couple of years, I've
 been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of
 vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies.
 But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired
 because I'm overworked. The population of this
 country is 237 million, and 104 million are
 retired. That leaves 133 million to do the
 work. There are 85 million in school, which
 leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this,
 there are 29 million employed by the federal
 government. This leaves 19 million to do the
 work. Four million are in the Armed Forces,
 which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take
 out the 14,800,000 people who work for state
 and city governments, and that leaves 200,000
 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals,
 so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. With
 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just
 two people to do the work. You and me. And
 you're sitting there screwing around with
 email.

 Food for Thought:

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter:
Mother: "What does the cow say?"   Child: "Moo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?" Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?"
And this wide-eyed little 3 year old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."
 

The clock of life is wound but once.  And no man has the power to tell just when the hands will stop. On what day - or what hour. Now is the only time you have,  So live it with a will,  Don't wait until tomorrow.  The hands may then be still.
 
 

Do you love Him?
THIS is A SIMPLE TEST:
 THE POEM
I knelt to pray but not for long,     I had too much to do.  I had to hurry and get to work.  For bills would soon be due.
 So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,     And jumped up off my knees.     My Christian duty was now done.      My soul could rest at ease.     All day long I had no time.     To spread a word of cheer.      No time to speak of Christ to friends,     They'd laugh at me I'd fear.   No time, no time, too much to   That was my constant cry,    No time to give to souls in need     But at last the time, the time to die.
 I went before the Lord,
 I came, I stood with downcast eyes.
For in his hands God held a book;   It was the book of life.  God looked into his book and said
 "Your name I cannot find. I once was going to write it down...    But never found the time"
Please forward this to all your friends, I know you  have the time.
Life is like a grindstone, whether it wears you out or shines you up depends on what you are made of.
 
 

New sayings that should be on buttons:
1. I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
2. Earth is full. Go home.
3. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
4. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a fucking people person?
7. This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
10. A PBS mind in an MTV world
11. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14. Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs & wants.
16. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
 20. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
21. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
22. Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
23. And just how may I screw you over today?
24. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
25. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
26. If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
27. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
28. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
29. Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my mouth.
30. Allow me to introduce my selves.
31. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
32. Whisper my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
33. Better living through denial.
34. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
35. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
36. Adult child of alien invaders.
37. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
38. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
39. Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
40. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
41. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
42. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
43. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen > asleep yet.
44. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
45. After I cook the vegetables, what do I do with the wheelchairs?
46. Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
47. Back off! You're standing in my aura.
48. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
49. Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
50. Adults are just kids who owe money.
51. One of us is thinking about sex.....OK, it's me.
52. How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
53. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?
54. I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
55. It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.
56. I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
57. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
58. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
59. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
60. Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
61. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
62. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
63. Too may freaks, not enough circuses.
64. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
65. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
66. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
67. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
68. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
69. Make yourself at home! Clean my kitchen
70. Is it time for your medication or mine?
71. Does this condom make me look fat?
72. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch  me?
73. I plead contemporary insanity.
74. And which dwarf are you?
75. I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
76. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
77. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
78. It ain't the size, it's... no wait... it IS the size!
79. Meandering to a different drummer.
80. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
81. I majored in Liberal Arts. Will that be for here or to go?
82. Tell me now before I blow twenty bucks on drinks
 
 

Words to the wise

To Some One Special
To some special people searching for that unique person in their life.

Every once in a while you learn something beautiful from your children. My daughter sent this to me and I thought it was worth passing on. It hurts to love someone and not be loved in return, but what is more painful is to love someone and never find the courage to let that person know how you feel. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift. Love is when you take away the feeling, the passion, and the romance in a relationship and find out you still care for that person. A sad thing in life is when you meet someone who means a lot to you, only to find out in the end that it was never meant to be and you just have to let go. When the door of happiness closes, another opens but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us. The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had. It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives. Giving someone all your love is never an
assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. There are things you'd love to hear that you would never hear from the person whom you would like to hear them from, but don't be so deaf as not to hear it from the one who says it from his heart. Never say good-bye if you still want to try -- never give up if you still feel you can go on -- never say you don't love a person anymore if you can't let go. Love comes to those who still hope although they've been disappointed- to those who still believe, although they've been betrayed, to those who still need to love, although they've been hurt before, and to those who have the courage and faith to build trust again. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love lomeone - but it takes a lifetime to forget someone. Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Hope you find the one that makes you smile. There are moments in life when you miss someone so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real!   ope you dream of that special someone. Dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be , because you have only one life and one chance to do all the things you want to do. May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human,  enough hope to make you happy and enough money to buy me gifts. Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you,  it probably hurts the person too. A careless word may kindle strife; a cruel word may wreck a life; a timely word may level stress; a loving word may heal and bless. The beginning of love is to let those we love be just themselves, and not twist them with our own image - otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything;  they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.  Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people  who have touched their lives. Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss and ends with a tear. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches. When you were born, you were crying and veryone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.
 

>  My brother-in-law opened the bottom drawer of my sister's bureau and lifted out a tissue-wrapped package.  "This," he
said, "is not a slip. This is lingerie." He discarded the tissue and handed me the slip. It was exquisite; silk, handmade and trimmed with a cobweb of lace. The price tag with an astronomical figure on it was still attached. "Jan bought this the first time we went to New York, at least 8 or 9 years ago. She never wore it. She was saving it for a special  occasion. Well,  I guess this is the occasion." He took the slip from me and put it on the bed with the other clothes we were taking to the mortician. His hands lingered on the soft material for a moment, then he slammed the drawer shut and turned to me. "Don't ever save anything for a special occasion. Every day you're alive is a special occasion."  I remembered those words through the funeral and the days that followed when I helped him and my niece attend to all the sad chores that follow  an unexpected death. I thought about them on the plane returning to California from the Midwestern town where my sister's family lives. I thought about all the things that she hadn't seen or heard or done.  I thought about the things that she had done without realizing that they were special.  I'm still thinking about his words, and they've changed my life. I'm reading more and dusting less. I'm sitting on
the deck and admiring the view without fussing about the weeds in the garden.  I'm spending more time with my family and friends and less time in committee meetings.  Whenever possible, life should be a pattern of experience to savor, not endure. I'm trying to recognize these moments now and cherish them.  I'm not "saving" anything; we use our good china and crystal for every special event-such as losing a pound,  getting the sink unstopped, the first camellia blossom. I wear my good blazer to the market if I like it. My theory is if I look prosperous, I can shell out $28.49 for one small bag of groceries without wincing.  I'm not saving my good perfume for special parties; clerks in hardware stores and tellers in banks have noses that function as well as my party-going friends.  "Someday" and "one of these days" are losing their grip on my vocabulary. If it's worth seeing or hearing or doing, I want to see and hear and do it now.  I'm not sure what my sister would've done had she known that she wouldn't be here for the tomorrow we all take for granted. I think she would have called family members and a few close friends. She might have called a few former friends to apologize and mend fences for past  squabbles. I like to think she would have gone out for a Chinese dinner, her favorite food. I'm guessing - I'll never know. It's those little things left undone that would
make me angry if I knew that my hours were limited. Angry because I put off seeing good friends whom I was going to get in touch with - someday. Angry because I hadn't written certain letters that I intended to write -one of these days. Angry and sorry that I didn't tell my husband and daughter often enough> how much I truly love them.  I'm trying very hard not to put off, hold back, or save anything that would add laughter and luster to our lives. And every morning when I open my eyes, I tell myself that it is special. Every day, every minute, every breath truly is...a gift from God.  If you've received this it is because someone cares for you. If you're too busy to take the few minutes that it would take right now to forward> this to ten people, would it be the first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships? I can tell you> it certainly won't be the last. Take a few minutes to send this to a few people you care about, just to let them know that you're thinking of them.  May love litter your life with blessings! JUST SEND IT!! "You've got to dance like nobody's watching, and love like it's never going to hurt."
 
 

Lewinsky Virus:
 Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

 Kenneth Starr Virus:
 Competely examines every aspect of your computer, then compiles a complex report that discredits every aspect of your computer.

Ronald Reagan Virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

 Mike Tyson Virus:
Quits after two bytes. Spits everything out.
Oprah Winfrey Virus:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB,  then slowly expands to 200 MB.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus:
 Deletes all old files.

 Ellen Degeneres Virus:
 Disks can no longer be inserted.

Titanic Virus:
 Your whole computer goes down.

Disney Virus:
Everything in your computer goes Goofy.

Prozac Virus:
Screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

Joey Buttafuoco Virus:
 Only attacks minor files.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:
 Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be back.

 Lorena Bobbit Virus:
 Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

 Viagra Virus:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

 Clinton Virus:
Gives you a 7" hard drive with no memory.
 
 

TOP 25 SAYINGS WE'D LIKE TO See
ON THOSE OFFICE INSPIRATIONAL
POSTERS

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
 Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.
 Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gets you job security
 Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings,  they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
We put the "k" in "kwality."
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity
A person who smiles in the face of
adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely
understood the seriousness of the situation.
Plagiarism saves time.
 If at first you don't succeed, try management.
 Never put off until tomorrow what you can
avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK...means never having to take allthe blame yourself.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
 We waste time, so you don't have to. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty
years away!
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent  slacker.
 A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
 When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
 INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
Succeed in spite of management. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
 We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.  You pretend to work, and we'll pretend to
pay you. Work: It isn't just for sleeping anymore.
 

The confessional

Tommy Shaughnessy goes into the confessional box and says,  "Bless me Father for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."  The priest says, "Is that you little Tommy Shaughnessy?"  "Yes, Father.  It is." "Who was the woman you were with?"  "I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No." "Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"  "No." "Was it Fiona Mary MacDonald?" "No." "Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?" "No, Father!  I cannot tell you."  The priest finally gives up and says, Tommy, I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your
sins. Your penance will be three Hail Mary's and four Our fathers.  Now, go back to your pew." Tommy Walks back to his pew and his friend an slides over and whispers, "What Happened?"  "Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."

Always give 100% at work.......
> >>            12% on Monday
> >>            23% on Tuesday
> >>            40% on Wednesday
> >>            20% on Thursday
> >>            5% on  Fridays

           And remember .......     When you're having a really bad day and it seems like people are trying to piss you off, remember it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend your finger and flip them off.  Now get back to work.  :- )
 

Betcha didn't know this!

1. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
2. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
3. The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
4. No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
5. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
6. There are more chickens than people in the world.
7. Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
8. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
9. On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
10. All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
11. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
12. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
13. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5.00 bill
14. Almonds are members of the peach family.
16. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
17. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
18. There are only four words in the English language which end in'-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
19. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
20. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
21. On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner
22. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
23. John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.

1.      The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
2.      The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
3.      A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
4.      A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
5.      The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896.  Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
6.      A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
7.      Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
8.      Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.
9.      Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
10.     More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
11.     Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
12.     Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
13.     Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
14.     If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
15.     Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
16.     Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do.
17.     The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
18.     The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
19.     The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
20.     TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
21.     If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
22.     The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
23.     A snail can sleep for 3 years.
24.     China has more English speakers than the United States.
25.     The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
26.     Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres.
27.     The longest town name in the world has 167 letters.
28.     Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 million other people in the world.
29.     "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
30.     The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
31.     No president of the United States was an only child.

 Diagnosis...

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help.  The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.  So the vet brings in a black lab.  The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis.  The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

American businessman and a Mexican fisherman
 The American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village  when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small  boat were several large yellowfin tuna.  The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked  how long it took to catch them.  The Mexican replied only a little while.  The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish?  The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs.  The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?  The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each  evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I
have a full and busy life, senor."  The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling  your catch to a middleman you would sell directly
to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product,  processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal  fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise."  The Mexican fisherman asked, "But senor, how long will this all take?"  To which the American replied, "15-20 years."  But what then, senor?  The American laughed and said that's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions. Millions, senor? Then what?  The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

 The Amish and Elevators...
  An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two
shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"  The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know
what it is."  While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room.  The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.  The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The
 father said to his son, "Quick, go get your Mother."
 

Bathroom walls
 

 The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
 * Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

 Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5  days and doesn't die.
 * Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, Ill.

 If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can't take a dump here.
 Your ass hole is in Washington.
 * Men's restroom, Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Wash.

 Beauty is only a light switch away.
 * Perkins Library, Duke University,  Durham, N.C.

 I've decided that to raise my grades, I must lower my standards.
 * Houghton Library, Harvard  University, Cambridge, Mass.

 If life is a waste of time, and time is  a waste of life, then let's all get
 wasted and have the time of our lives.
 * Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.

 Remember, it's not "How high are you?", it's "Hi, how are you?"
 * Rest stop off Route 81, W. Va.

 God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
 * The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.

 Fighting for peace is like screwing for  virginity.
 * The Bayou, Baton Rouge, La.

 No matter how good she looks, some  other guy is
 sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
 * Men's restroom, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N.C.P0D

  To do is to be.    -Descartes
  To be is to do.    -Voltaire
   Do be do be do.    -Frank Sinatra
 * Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, Ariz.

 It's hard to make a comeback when you  haven't been anywhere.
 * Written in the dust on the back of a  bus, Wickenburg, Ariz.

 Make love, not war. Hell, do both - get  married!
 * Women's restroom, The Filling  Station, Bozeman, Mont.

 God is dead. - Nietzsche Nietzsche is dead. - God
 * The Tombs Restaurant, Washington,  D.C.

 If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
 * Revolution Books, New York, N.Y.

 A woman's rule of thumb: If it has  tires or testicles,
you're going to have  trouble with it.
 * Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, Tex.

 JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
 * Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.

 If pro is the opposite of con, then what is the
 opposite of progress? Congress!
 * Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.

 Watch out for gay limbo dancers.
 * Inside toilet stall door, men's restroom, ???

 Express Lane: Five beers or less.
 * Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, Ariz.

 You're too good for him.
 * Sign over mirror in women's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,  Calif.

 No wonder you always go home alone.
 * Sign over mirror in men's restroom, Ed Debevic's,> Beverly Hills,Calif.

 What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
 * Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Ky.
 

Preventive Medicine
 A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital. "How are you grandpa?" he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really
take care of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."  The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of the damn bed."
 
 

 THE 50/50 MARRIAGE

 A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife.
The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.  The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied,  "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth."
 

Money Joke
 A customs agent stopped an old Jewish man who had just immigrated to Israel and asked him to open his two suitcases. In the first suitcase he found over a million dollars in one dollar bills. "Excuse me, sir" he asked the old gentleman, "where did  you get all this money?" "Vell, I'll tell you," the old man began, "for many years, I  traveled all around America, I stopped at all of the public rest rooms in all the major cities; I vent to New York, then I vent to Chicago, then I vent to San Francisco.I vent intoall the stalls here the men were spiriting and I say 'Give me a dollar for Israel or I'll cut off your testicles vit my knife.'"  "That's quite a story," the customs agent said, "what's in the second suitcase?"  "Vell, you know," said the old man, shaking his head, "not everyone likes to give..."
 

  WHAT A TAX RETURN!
 ____________________________________
There was a man who computed his taxes for 1998 and discovered that he owed $3407.  He packaged up his
 payment and included this letter:
 

Dear IRS:
Enclosed is my 1998 Tax Return & payment. Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper.  In the article, you will see that the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

Please find enclosed four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029). This brings my total payment to $3429.00. Please note the overpayment of $22.00 and apply it to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return.  Might I suggest you the send the above mentioned fund a "1.5 inch screw."  (See attached article...HUD paid $22.00 for a 1.5 inch Phillips Head Screw.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A satisfied taxpayer
 
 

 *DONKEY RACING IN TEXAS*

 A preacher wanted to raise money for his church, and having been told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter him in the races. However, at the local auction, the going prices for horses was so steep, the preacher ended up buying a donkey instead. The preacher figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing form carried the headline: "PREACHERS ASS SHOWS"

 The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again. This time he won. The racing form read: "PREACHERS ASS OUT IN FRONT"

 The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The racing form's headline that day was: "BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHERS ASS"

 This was to much for the Bishop and he ordered the preacher to get rid of the animal. The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The headline the next day was: "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN"

 The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey. She finally found a farmer who was
 willing to buy the animal for $10.00.  The next papers headline stated: "NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS"

 They buried the Bishop the next day..........
 
 

25 Question Sex Test for Rednecks

 1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False
 2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False
 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False
 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or  False
 5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False
 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False
 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False
 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False
 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False
 10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False
 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False
 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False
 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False
 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False
 15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False
 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False
 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False
 18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False
 19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False
 20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False
 21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False
 22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass. True or False
 23. Pornography is the business of making records. True or False
 24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False
25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False
 

Competition.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who managed to get the most out of his computer.  This had been going on for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering.  God said, "Cool it.  I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job." So down they say at the keyboards and typed away.  They moused away.
They did spreadsheets.  They wrote reports.  They sent faxes.  They sent out e-mail.  They sent out e-mail with attachments.  They downloaded.  They did some genealogy reports, and they made cards. They did every known job. But, just a few minutes before the two hours were up, lightening flashed across the sky.  Thunder rolled and the rains came down hard.  And, of course, the electricity went off.  Satan was quite upset.  He fumed and fussed and ranted and raved.  All to no avail.  The electricity stayed off.  But, after a bit, the rains stopped and the electricity came back on.  Satan screamed, "I lost it all when the power went off.  What am I going to do?"  Jesus sat and smiled. Satan asked about the work that Jesus had done.  As Jesus turned his computer back on, the screen glowed and when he pushed print, it was all there.  "How did he do that?" Satan asked.  God smiled and said, "Jesus saves."

BUT POLICE OFFICER

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.  The officer handed him the citation, got his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"  The officer, thought for minute, chuckled, then asked,  "You ever go fishing?" "Well... yeah..." the startled man replied.  The officer grinned and added, "D'ya ever catch ALL the fish?"

One liners
How do crazy people go through the forest?   They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?  Boil the hell out of it.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?   "Dam!"
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?   Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?   Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?   National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?   A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?   Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers?   Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?   Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?   Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?   Frostbite.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a treewould kill you?   A pool table.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?   A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?   Anyone can roast beef.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?   They're trying to get away from the noise.
What is a zebra?   26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.
Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring?   He decided to stick it out for one more year.
What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?   A dog that runs for help ... after it bites your leg off.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?   Sanka.

TWO TREES AND THE SAPLING

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch: "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands in the sapling. The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is
the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."
 

RAILROAD

There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set.  One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play.  She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all
of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him, "Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours." So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again. She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen."
 

1998 DARWIN AWARDS

 They have finally been released!  For those not familiar with the Darwin  Award  - It's an annual honor given to the person who provided the  universal human gene pool the biggest service by getting killed in the  most extraordinarily stupid way.  As always, competition this year has been keen again. Some candidates appear to have trained their whole lives for this event!

  DARWIN AWARD CANDIDATES
 1. In September in Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in  two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.

  2. In October, a 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally  zoned when he ran," according to his wife, accidentally jogged off a  200-foot-high cliff on his daily run.

  3. Buxton, NC:  A man died on a beach when an 8-foot-deep hole he had  dug into the sand caved in as he sat inside it. Beachgoers said Daniel  Jones, 21 dug the hole for fun, or protection from the wind, and had been  sitting in a beach chair at the bottom Thursday afternoon when it  collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach, on  the outer banks, used their hands and shovels, trying to claw their way to  Jones, a resident of Woodbridge, VA, but could not reach him.  It took  rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him while  about 200 people looked on. Jones was ponounced dead at a hospital.

  4. In February, Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed in Lompoc, CA, as he  fell face-first through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing.  Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth (to  keep his hands free) rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the  floor.

  5. According to police in Dahlonega, GA, ROTC cadet Nick Berrena, 20,  was stabbed to death in January by fellow cadet Jeffrey Hoffman, 23, who  was trying to prove that a knife could not penetrate the flak vest Berrena was wearing.

 6. Sylvester Briddell, Jr , 26, was killed in February in Selbyville,  Del, as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver  loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.

  7. In February, according to police in Windsor, Ontario, Daniel Kolta,  27, and Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie  in the game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

  8. In September, a 7-year-old boy fell off a 100-foot-high bluff near  Ozark, Ark , after he lost his grip swinging on a cross that marked the  spot where another person had fallen to his death in 1990.
 

 DARWIN AWARD HONORABLE MENTIONS

  1. In Guthrie, Okla , in October, Jason Heck tried to kill a millipede  with a shot from his 22-caliber rifle, but the bullet ricocheted off a  rock near the hole and hit pal Antonio Martinez in the head, fracturing his skull.

  2. In Elyria, Ohio, in October, Martyn Eskins, attempting to clean out  cobwebs in his basement, declined to use a broom in favor of a propane  torch and caused a fire that burned the first and second floors of his  house.

  3. Paul Stiller, 47, was hospitalized in Andover Township, NJ, in  September, and his wife Bonnie was also injured, by a quarter-stick of  dynamite that blew up in their car.  While driving around at 2 AM, the  bored couple lit the dynamite and tried to toss it out the window to see  what would happen, but they apparently failed to notice that the window  was closed.

  4. Taking "Amateur Night" Too Far:  In Betulia, Colombia, an annual  festival in November includes five days of amateur bullfighting. This  year, no bull was killed, but dozens of matadors were injured, including one gored in the head and one Bobbittized. Said one participant, "It's  just one bull against [a town of] a thousand Morons."
 

 SOME MORE ALSO RANS
 1. Four people were injured in a string of related bizarre accidents.  Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry,  Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his  chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela  Klesick's first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.  Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him. "I'm still not sure why I did it," she said later "I was really close to the car, so  I didn't think anyone would see.  Besides, it couldn't have been for more than two seconds".  However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of  his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building.  Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran's teeth. The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran's gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two  fingers from Klesick's hand. Moeller's wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

2. TAOS, NM
A woman went to a poison control center after eating three birth-control vaginal inserts.  Her English was so bad she had to  draw a picture describing how she believed she had poisoned herself. A  translator arrived shortly thereafter and confirmed doctors' suspicions.  Marie Valishnokov thought the inserts were some kind of candy or gum,  being unable to read the foil wrappers. After the third one, she realized  something was wrong when her throat and mouth began to fill with a  sour-tasting foam.  She ran for the Poison Control Center, only a few  blocks away where doctors were able to flush the foam from her mouth,  throat and stomach with no ill effects.

3. La Grange, GA
 Attorney Antonio Mendoza was> released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. "My dog drags the thing all over the house," he said later. "He must have dragged it  into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat  down right on the thing."  The extraction took more than three hours due  to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza's phone had opened during insertion. "He was a real trooper during the entire episode," said Dr. Dennis Crobe. "Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself.  Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time,  he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor. By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there".

4. TACOMA, WA
 Kerry Bingham, had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from the  Tacoma Narrows Bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew  more heated and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at  4:30 am. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge they discovered that  no one had brought bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking,  volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. One  end of the cable was secured around Bingham's leg and the other end was  tied to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and  tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the  icy river water and was rescued by two nearby  fishermen.  "All I can say,"  said Bingham, "is that God was watching out for me on that night. There's just no other explanation for it." Bingham's foot was never located.

  5. BREMERTON, WA
 Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were  engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut  butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them  clean.  Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher's penis  and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a  half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the  dog and Christopher with perfume.  Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing  away the penis.  While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the  hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle.  Christopher's  penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler "Chris is just plain lucky," said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis.  "Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound.  Also, aside from it being removed, the damage caused by the dog's teeth to  the penis per se is minimal.  It's really a very stringy piece of flesh.  Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb  because of this." Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

  AND THE WINNER:

  PADERBORN, GERMANY - Overzealous zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt fed his constipated elephant Stefan 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally  let fly-and suffocated the keeper under 200 pounds of poop!  Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive-oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded on him  like a dump truck full of mud.  "The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground, where he struck his head on a rock and lay  unconscious as the elephant continued to evacuate his bowels on top of  him," said flabbergasted Paderborn police detective Erik Dern. "With no  one there to help him, he lay under all that dung for at least an hour  before a watchman came along, and during that time he suffocated.  "It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that happen."

A little computer geek humor!
I'm currently running the latest version of GirlFriend and I've been having some problems lately. I've been running the same version of Drinking Buddies forever as my primary application, and all theGirlFriend releases I've tried have always conflicted with it.

I hear that DrinkingBuddies 1.0 won't crash if GirlFriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off, but I'm embarrassed to say I can't find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Golf program, often trying to abort Golf with some sort of timing incompatibility.

I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0. After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right. As soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend 3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to clean out my whole system and shut down for a while.

I very cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for a while until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well, but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some
obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts, and I've never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0, which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to Fiancee 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else.

Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with MotherInLaw which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources.
 

I don't usually pass on news like this. I know you are busy but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about.... so I pass on this sad, sad news . . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put
his left leg in and . . .well, you know the rest.
 

Duck hunting
Johnny Cochran decided to go duck hunting in Oregon. He is having a great
 time, when suddenly a duck flies overhead. JC fires a shot and drops the
 bird but it falls into a field on the other side of a fence.
 JC is climbing over the fence when an old farmer on a tractor drives up and
 asks him what he thinks he is doing.
 JC says "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm
going to get it." The old farmer replies "This is my property and you are
not coming over here." Johnny Cochran is indignant and says "Apparently you
don't know who I am. I am Johnny Cochran, the attorney who got OJ off in that
murder trial. If you don't let me get that duck I will sue you and take everything you own."
 The old farmer smiles and says "Apparently you don't know how we
do things around here. We settle small disagreements like this with the
Three Kick Rule."
Johnny C. is surprised and says "What is the Three Kick Rule?"
 The Farmer says "Well, first I kick you three times and then you
kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." JC
quickly thinks about this and decides that since he is much younger and
in far better condition that he can easily win against this old codger. "OK"
  The old farmer slowly climbs down off the tractor and walks up to JC.
His first kick plants the toe of his heavy work boot in JC's crotch and
drops him to his knees. His second kick nearly wipes JC's nose off his
face and blood goes everywhere, JC is flat on his belly. The farmer's
third kick relocates Johnny's left kidney and JC writhes in pain for several
minutes before he can stand. Summoning every bit of his will, Cochran
says "OK  you  old coot, now it's my turn!!"
  The old farmer smiles, climbs back on his tractor, and says "No, I give up...you can have the duck!"

 Letter to God
 A little boy wanted $100.00 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter
requesting the $100.  When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.    President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.  The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

 Dear GOD,

  Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those creeps deducted $95.00.
 

Little Johnny
The teacher in Johnny`s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny`s turn, he stood up and said, "My mom`s a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal`s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked, "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?"  Johnny said, "Yes." "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number..."

Plane Joke
  A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached acomfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and
uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH MY GOD!" Silence. Then, the captain came back on the intercom and
said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup
of coffee and  spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"

This time - Old Classic

A blind carpenter (BC) walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the BC and says"Your a BC, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The BC says "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell." The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the BC over to a table andsays "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."  The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!" The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other.  He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long." The foreman says "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest." Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says "Ready!" The BC bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!" The BC takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side.  The BC then says "That's a clear heart redwood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing.  Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job." The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the BC by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table.  (She agrees to do this because it helps the joke.)  She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table.  The foreman says "Ready!" The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side.  He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the otherside." The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says "Ready!" The BC takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side again looking puzzled.  He sniffs one more time,looks surprised, and says "I got it, that's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job.

 A Timely Lesson

Youth Training - True Story. Thanks go to the office of Rep. Edward Royce, California Republican, for the following excerpt from a local NPR interview. A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club: Interviewer: "So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?" Mr. Jones: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting." Interviewer: "Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the range." Interviewer: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?" Mr. Jones: "I don't see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline and weapons respect before they even touch a firearm." Interviewer: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers." Mr. Jones: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute but you're not> >> > one -- are you?" End of the interview
 
 
 

Signs around town
At the optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you'relooking for, you've come to the right place."
In the waiting room of the veterinary clinic: "Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On the butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
In a cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in this cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
On the wall in the bowling alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
On the door to the hospital's maternity ward: "Push, Push, Push."In the beauty shop: "Dye now!"
On the taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
On the front door of a house: "Everyone on the premises is avegetarian except the dog."
And similarly, on a fence: "Salesmen welcome! (Dog food isexpensive.)"
At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -miss a payment."
At the electric company: "We would be delighted if yousend in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
Outside the muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
Outside the radiator repair shop: "Best place in town to takea leak."
On a desk in a reception room: "We shoot every thirdsalesman, and the second one just left. Just thought you'd like to know."
On the side of a garbage truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
On a dry cleaner's front window: "We hope  you'll drop your pants here."
In a restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry! Come in and get fed up."
In a nonsmoking area: "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Please drive carefully -we'll be happy to wait for you."
 

The Soldier

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R.  He caught a supply boat to a supply  base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat.  He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down.   Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room or two people on each seat.  On one side
 sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. "Could I please sit in that seat" he asked.  The lady was insulted; "you Americans are so rude" she said, "can't you see my dog is sitting there"?  He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat.  He found himself back at the same place.  "Lady, I love dogs - have  a couple at home - so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can sit down" he said.  The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude you are arrogant" she said. He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said "lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time; could I please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied "you Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."  With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.  The lady was speechless. An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.  "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong.  You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window."

How do you live your Dash?
I read of a man who stood to speak: At the funeral of a friend.
 He referred to the dates on her tombstone.  From the beginning...to the end.
> : He noted that first came her date of birth
> : And spoke the following date with tears,
> : But he said what mattered most of all
> : Was the dash between those years. (l900-l970)
> :
> : For that dash represents all the time
> : That she spent alive on earth...
> : And now only those who loved her
> : Know what that little line is worth.
> : For it matters not, how much we own;
> : The cars...the house...the cash,
> : What matters is how we live and love
> : And how we spend our dash.
> :
> : So think about this long and hard...
> : Are there things you'd like to change?
> : For you never know how much time is left,
> : That can still be rearranged.
> : If we could just slow down enough
> : To consider what's true and real,
> : And always try to understand
> : The way other people feel.
> :
> : And be less quick to anger,
> : And show appreciation more
> : And love the people in our lives
> : Like we've never loved before.
> : If we treat each other with respect,
> : And more often wear a smile...
> : Remembering that this special dash
> : Might only last a little while.
> :
> : So, when your eulogy's being read
> : With your life's actions to rehash...
> : Would you be proud of the things they say
> : About how you spent your dash?
> :

Jewish Drawing
It's the yearly party at the temple and they're having the drawing for the door prizes. Goldstein wins third prize and gets a color TV. Rosenberg wins second prize, goes up to collect, and it's a plate of cookies.  He comes back to the table and says, "Goldstein, I don't understand it. You won third prize, you got a color TV. I won second prize, I got a god-damned plate of cookies." Goldstein says, "Rosenberg, "You don't understand. The plate of cookies was cooked by the Rabbi's wife."  Rosenberg says, "Fuck the Rabbi's wife!"  Goldstein says, "Shhhh...that's first prize."
 

Liver and Cheese
A white man, a black man and a Mexican sit down at a bar. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down right next to them. The three begin an argument over who will approach her first. Used to this, the woman turns to them and says, "Listen boys, I'm a woman of culture and which ever one of you can use both the words liver and cheese in the same sentence can take me home."
 "That's easy," said the white guy. "I like liver and I like cheese," as he gestures for her to come over. "Oh, not good enough!" says the woman. With that, the black man said "Aww shit, don't be givin' me no liver and cheese!" and starts moving towards her. "No, no! That won't do either," the woman replies with a wave of her hand. The Mexican looks at his friends like they are nuts, walks up and puts his arm around the woman and smiles, "liver alone, cheese mine."

UNKNOWN FACTS
 Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May and were still smelling pretty good by June.  However, they were starting to  smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o.
Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then  the women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies.  By then the  water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.   Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".  Houses had thatched roofs.  Thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the  pets.. dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs lived in the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs,"   There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess  up your nice clean bed.  So, they found if they made beds with big posts  and  hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence those  beautiful  big 4 poster beds with canopies. The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor".  The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help  keep their footing.  As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh  until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A  piece  of wood was placed at the entry way, hence a "thresh hold". They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot.  They mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat.  They would eat the stew for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day.  Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been in there  for a month.  Hence the rhyme: peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold,  peas porridge in the pot nine days old." Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon and hang it to show it off.  It was a sign of wealth that a man "could   really bring home the bacon."   They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit  around  and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leech onto the food. This happened most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes... for 400 years. Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a piece of  wood  with the middle scooped out like a bowl.  Trenchers were never washed  and  a lot of times worms got into the wood.  After eating off wormy  trenchers, they would get "trench mouth." Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom of the  loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the "uppercrust".  Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.  The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days.  Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the  custom of holding a "wake". England is old and small and they started running out of places to bury people.  So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to a house  and re-use the grave.  In reopening these coffins, one out of  25 coffins  were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they  had  been burying people alive.  So they thought they would tie a string  on  their  wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and  tie  it  to  a bell.  Someone would have to sit out in the  graveyard all night to  listen  for  the bell.  Hence on the "graveyard  shift" they would know that  someone  was  "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer".

Shit Happens
LOVING HUSBAND...
  Pity the poor Midwesterner who went to Florida for a holiday and e-mailed his wife to tell her he wished she were there. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail, but, unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she  took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Signed, Your eternally loving husband.

P.S.: Sure is hot down here.
 

REINCARATION
Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if
either died, the one remaining would try to contact the partner in the
other world exactly 30 days after their dying.

As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car
wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the
spirit world exactly 30 days later.

At a seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you
hear me, John?"

A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes, Martha, this is John; I can hear
you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh, John, what's it like where you are?"

"It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the
time."  "What do you do all day?"

"Well, Martha, we are up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, then
it's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and
then we have sex again until five. After dinner, we go at it again
until we fall asleep around 11 p.m."

Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what Heaven really is like?"
"Heaven? I'm not in Heaven, Martha."  "Then, where are you?"

"I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona!"

BYE MOTHER
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time.""That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "as I'm leaving, can you say 'Good-bye, Mother!'  It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Good-bye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was$127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," the clerk replied.
 

 DOLLAR
Two guys were playing golf when the first one said, "I really need to take a crap..."The second replied, "Well there's a tree, go behind it and do your stuff." The first guy looks over at the tree and comments, "But, I don't have any toliet paper." Being a witty fellow, the second man remarks, "You have a dollar don't you? Just use it to wipe yourself."  Reluctantly, the first guy goes
and does his stuff.Minutes later he comes back with crap all over him.  The second asks, "Damn, what happened?  Didn't you use the dollar?" "Hell yes, but have you ever tried to wipe with three quarters, two dimes, and a nickel?"
 

His/ Her ATM

HIS
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert card
3. Enter PIN number and account
4. Take cash, card, and receipt

HER
1. Pull up to ATM
2. Check makeup in rearview mirror
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for wrapper with PIN number written on it
9. Enter PIN number
10. Study instructions for at least 2 minutes.
11. Hit "cancel"
12. Re-enter correct PIN number
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. STOP
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in gear, reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Travel 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

YOU KNOW THE HONEYMOON IS OVER WHEN...

 You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.
 Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.
 Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.
  PMS lasts all month.
  Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.
 "Honey, what are you thinking?" is now, "Are you finished yet?!"
 He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.
 Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.
 Two weeks no orgasm.
 Three weeks no orgasm ... and you still don't miss it.
 When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.
 You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.
 The way he breathes is getting on your nerves

Punk Rocker
A nurse was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered.   This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing.  It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it was a tattoo reading, "Keep off the grass." After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
 

Talk turkey
A Turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients". The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. And so on. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse,  emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree. Moral of the Story:  Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep  you there.

Hind Lick Maneuver
Two Texans were having the blue plate special at their  favorite truckstop  when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady  sitting a few stools down from them turning blue from the Armadillo burger  she ate.  The first Texan says to the other, "think we oughtta  help?" "Yep,  reckon so," says the other.  The first Texan gets up,  walks over to the lady  and asks, "can you breathe?" She shakes her head, "No." "Can you speak?" He  then  asks.  She shakes her head, "No" again.  With  that, he helps her to  her feet, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her underwear and starts to lick her  on the  butt. She is so shocked, she coughs up the obstruction and begins to  breathe again, with great relief.  The first Texan turns back to his friend  and says with a smile, "funny how that Hind Lick Maneuver works every  time".
 

Two guys go hunting
 

 Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the northern Wisconsin woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!" Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"
 

Dr. Watson
 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good  meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.  Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful  friend.  "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."   Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."  "What does that tell you?"   Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that  there are millions of  galaxies  and potentially billions of planets.  Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a  quarter  past  three.  Theologically,
I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day   tomorrow. What does  it tell you?"   Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.  "Watson, you  idiot  someone has stolen our tent."

 Hokey Pokey
I don't usually pass on news like this. I know you are busy but sometimes we have to pause and truly remember what life is about  so I pass on this sad, sad news . . . There was a great loss today in the entertainment world. The man who wrote the song "Hokey Pokey" died. What was really horrible is that they had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put
his left leg in and . . .well, you know the rest.
 

Just Thinking
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime nextdoor went nuts.
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."
So what's the speed of dark?
How come you don't ever hear about "gruntled" employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!
Do fish get cramps after eating?
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?
Why is it lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?
Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?
What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?
Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"  She said if she told me, it would defeat the
purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers,  why are they all still working?
Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's

MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT
TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
       Washington, D.C.

     Dear Sir;

     My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received a check for  $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs.  So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
     What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise?  I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental policies.  I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
     As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
     My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not raising hogs.
     If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for not raising 100 hogs?  I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.  Then I can afford an airplane.
     Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn.  I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising corn and wheat.  Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
     Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
     In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.   Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
    Patriotically Yours,
    Dogbyte

 P.S.  Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese.
 

The Pet Frog

 A woman went into a pet shop to buy her boyfriend a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. A clerk came up and asked if there's something he could help her with.  "I wanted to buy my boyfriend a pet, but all of  yours are so expensive!" She says.  "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00.  Would you like to see it?"  "$50.00?? For a Frog??" said the woman.  The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It's gives blowjobs." So, the woman decides to buy the frog. She takes it home to her boyfriend, explains the frog and they're both happy. The woman goes to bed. Around two in the morning she is awakened by pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She gets up to go see what's going on and when she gets to the kitchen she sees her boyfriend and the frog sitting at the kitchen table looking through cookbooks.  "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" says the woman.  The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is out of here!!!"

Lots of Relatives
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

 Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go  visit my brothers and sisters a couple of weeks each.  That would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." (Puzzlement) Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, `What?'"

Six Wishes

 Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a
golden frog.  They  were amazed when the frog talked to them.  The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six  wishes. He told them that they could have 3 wishes each. Mr. Bear immediately wished
> that all the other bears in the forest were females.  The frog granted his wish.  Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head. Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish.  He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish.  Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine. Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish. Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, "I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!" and rode off as fast he could!
 

Blind Man

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.  After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.  In the middle of the project, there comes a  knock at the door.  "Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.  "Blind man,"  replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room,  they open the door. "Nice breasts," says the man. "Where do you  want these blinds?"
 

The Cynic's Guide To Life"
1. Follow your dream!  Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
2. Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
3. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.  Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.  Do not walk beside me, either.  Just leave me alone.
4. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone.  Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
5. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek.   Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
6. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle.   It makes  the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
7. It's always darkest before the dawn.  So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
8. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.  That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
9. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group and the "Whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is".
10. Into every life some rain must fall.  Usually hen  your car windows are down.
11. Just remember: You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
12. When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers and just give them a boogie or an Indian burn.
13. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.  That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
14. It's a small world.  So you gotta use your elbows
 a lot.
15. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel.  It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery.
16. This land is your land.  This land is my land. So stay on your land.
17. Love is like a roller coaster: When it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't, you can't wait to throw up.
 

WHERE HAS ALL THE LIPSTICK GONE?

 According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.  A number of girls were beginning
to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips
to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors everyday. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors.  He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and cleaned the mirror.  Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

Koala Bear
A little wanders into a whorehouse. He climbs the stairs and  finds a door open. He goes in to the room to find a naked prostitute  asleep on the bed.  He quickly climbs into the bed and begins performing oral sex on the prostitute. She wakes up and decides that since it feels  so good she'll let him finish. The koala finishes, wipes his chin, climbs  off the bed and heads for the door.  The prostitute jumps up and yells at him "Hey, you have to pay for that."  The koala shrugs and continues to head for the door. The prostitute yells  at him again, "Hey, you have to pay for that. I'm a prostitute!!!"   She gets up and pulls a dictionary off a shelf and shows the koala the definition.:  PROSTITUTE (n.) a person receiving payment for sexual services.  The koala shrugs, takes the dictionary and turns the pages to the definition of koala bear.:  KOALA (n.) a small bear that eats bushes and  leaves.
 

Albino!
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends  years with them, teaching them Reading, Writing, Math and Science.  One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a whitechild. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"  The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a  natural occurrence -- what we in the civilized world call an  Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say  anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about  that white child."

Pharmacist and Condoms

 A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."  The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."  He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
 

Doctor Joke
 A doctor started having an affair with his nurse and shortly after this started, she announced that she had become pregnant. Not wanting his  wife to find out, he gave her a large amount of money and asked her to  go out of the country, to Germany, to wait out the pregnancy and have  the baby over there.   "But how will you know when our baby is born?", she asked. "Well," he  said, "after you've had the baby, just send me a post card and write  "sauerkraut" on the back. Not knowing what else to do, she took the  money and went off to Germany.     Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the  office.  "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail  today," she explained. "I don't understand what it means!"  "Just wait until I  get home and I'll read it," he replied.     Later that evening, the doctor came home and read his post card which  said:       SAUERKRAUT!SAUERKRAUT!SAUERKRAUT!  TWO WITH WIENERS, ONE WITHOUT!!
 

Darla's Doctor's Visit
 A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,  "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"  The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla.  She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most  mornings."   The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well,  I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-about 4 months, would be my guess."  The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man!  Have you, Darla?"  Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"   The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?" The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Special Pig

  Farmer Jones got out of his car and while heading for his friend's door, noticed a pig with a wooden leg.  His  curiosity roused, he ask, "Fred, how'd that pig get him  a wooden leg?"  "Well Michael, that's a mighty special pig! A while back a wild boar attacked me while I was walking in the woods.  That pig there came a runnin', went after that boar and chased him away.  Saved my life!"  "And the boar tore up his leg?"  "No he was fine after that.  But a bit later we had that fire. Started in the shed up against the barn.  Well, that ole pig started squealin' like he was stuck,  woke us up, and 'fore we got out here, the darn thing had herded the other animals out of the barn and saved 'em all!"  "So that's when he hurt his leg, huh, Fred?"  "No, Michael. He was a might winded, though.  When my tractor hit a rock and rolled down the hill into the pond  I was knocked clean out.  When I came to, that pig had dove into the pond and dragged me out 'fore I drownded. Sure did save my life."  "And that was when he hurt his leg?"  "Oh no, he was fine.  Cleaned him up, too."  "OK, Fred. So just tell me. How did he get the wooden leg?"  "Well", the farmer tells him, "A pig like that, you don't want to eat all at once."
 

 Murder Trial
A man is in court for murder and the judge says "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."  Then a voice at the back of the court says, "You bastard." Then the judge continues, "you are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a hammer." Again the voice at the back of the court says, "You damned bastard." The judge says, "Sir, I can understand your anger in this crime, but we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with contempt!! Now is that a problem?" Then the man at the back of the court stand up and responds, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that bastard! And every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he never had one!"

Farmer Joke

A farmer is arrested, accused of bestiality. Too indigent to hire an attorney, the Public Defender comes to visit the farmer.  "So," the farmers says, "are you any good?" The Public Defender responds, "Well, I'm not so good at  opening arguments... and I'm not so good at summations...  and, well I'm not so good at anything in between." The farmer responds incredulously, "So what are you good at?" The attorney responds, "Well, I'm pretty good at picking juries."  The farmer, not having an alternative, hrows his fate to the  Public Defender.
   The day of the trial arrives, and the farmer is being grilled by the Prosecuting Attorney... "So, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that the goat in question is your  goat?" "Yep, she is." "And, Mr. Farmer, isn't it true that on the day in question you were seen out in the field having sex with your goat?" There is silence in the courtroom, and before the farmer can answer, over in the jury box, one juror leans over to another and whispers, "You know, a good goat will do that.
 

 true story
One stormy night many years ago, an elderly man and his wife entered the lobby of a small hotel in Philadelphia. Trying to get out of the rain, the couple approached the front desk hoping to get some shelter for the night. "Could you possibly give us a room here?" the husband asked. The clerk, a friendly man with a winning smile, looked at the couple and explained that there were three conventions in town. "All of our rooms are taken," the clerk said. "But I can't send a nice couple like you out into the rain at one o'clock in the morning. Would you perhaps be willing to sleep in my room? It's not exactly a suite, but it will be  good enough to make you folks comfortable for the night. "     When the couple declined, the young man pressed on. "Don't worry about me; I'll make out just fine," the clerk told them. So the couple agreed.  As he paid his bill the next morning, the elderly man said to the clerk, "You are the kind of manager who should be the boss of the best hotel in the United States. mayybe someday I'll build one for you." The clerk looked at them and smiled. The three of them had a good laugh.     As they drove away, the elderly couple agreed that the helpful clerk was indeed exceptional, as finding people who are both friendly and helpful isn't easy.       Two years passed. The clerk had almost forgotten the incident when he received a letter from the old man. It recalled that stormy night and enclosed a round-trip ticket to New York, asking the young man to pay them a visit.    The old man met him in New York, and led him to the corner of Fifth Avenue and 34th Street. He then pointed to a great new building there, a palace of reddish stone, with turrets and watchtowers thrusting up to the sky. "That," said the older man, "is the hotel I have just built for  you   to manage." "You must be joking," the young man said. "I can assure you I am not," said the older man, a sly smile playing around his mouth.   The older man's name was William Waldorf Astor, and the magnificent structure was the original Waldorf-Astoria Hotel. The young clerk who became its first manager was George C. Boldt.      This young clerk never foresaw the turn of events that would lead him to become the manager of one of the world's most glamorous hotels.       The Bible says... that we are not to turn our backs on those who are in need, for we might be entertaining angels.... Unless a man will lose his  life, he cannot find life. Life is more accurately measured by giving of yourself,  than the things you acquire...

Shipwrecked
Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn't believe his good fortune. They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly. One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves.  Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness. "You can't believe how happy I am to see you," he cried. The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, "You're a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!" "Shit," sighed Phillip, "there go my Sundays."
 
 

Another blonde joke
A man was sitting on his porch one afternoon when he noticed that his neighbor, a blonde, went out to her mailbox, opened it, and returned to her home empty handed.  About five minutes later, he saw the blonde again.  She checked the mailbox and once again, returned to her house empty handed.  She did this two more times before the man decided to ask her about it. "Why do you keep coming out to your mailbox every five minutes?" the man asked. "Because," replied the blonde, "my computer keeps telling that I've got mail."
 

One for you, one for me

TWO BOYS  On the outskirts of town, there was a huge nut tree by the cemetery  fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by  the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.   "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me," said one boy.   The bucket was so full, several rolled out toward the fence.
    Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy.  As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.  He slowed down to investigate.  Sure enough, he heard,    "One  for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me."    He knew what it was.  Oh my, he shuddered, "It's Satan and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery."    "He cycled down the road as fast as he  could and found an old man with a cane, hobbling along.   "Come here quick," said the boy, "You  won't believe what I heard.   Satan and St. Peter are down at the cemetery dividing the souls." The  man said, "Shoo, you brat, can't you see I'm finding it hard to walk  as it is."   But after several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery.   Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me.  One for you, one for me. . . . ."   The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth.  Let's see if we can see the devil himself."   Shivering with fear, they peered through the fence, yet they were still unable to see anything.  The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.  At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all.  Now let's go get those nuts by the  fence, and we'll be done."
    They say the old guy made it back to town 5 minutes before the boy.
 

Headaches
 A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..". He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".  "Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"  "Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"  "Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. And, by the way you have a lovely home."

Smart Preacher
In a crowded airliner a five-year-old boy is throwing a wild temper tantrum.  No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed  mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.  Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly minister slowly  walks forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the kindly, white haired, soft-spoken minister  leans down and whispers something into the boy's ear.  Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand,  and quietly fastens his seat belt.   All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause. As  the minister slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the  stewardesses takes him by the sleeve. "Excuse me, Reverend," she says quietly, "but what magic  words did you use on that little boy?"   The old man smiles serenely and gently says, "I told him if he  didn't cut that shit out, I'd kick his skinny little ass to the moon."

White One
 A woman went to an art gallery and was looking at all the paintings. She came to one painting and became very puzzled. The owner of the gallery walked by and she asked him about the painting. She said, "There are three naked black men in this painting but one of them has a white dick. Why was it painted this way?" The owner replied, "This is a picture of three coal miners. The one with the white dick went home for lunch."

Texas baby

 A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. "WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds." The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?   The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised

The Clock
There was an expectant father who had spent quite some time  waiting for the offspring to arrive - at his in-laws place. As his leave balance had gone into the red, he tells his father-in-law - " When my son comes, do not call up office and say that I have become a father of a boy, etc. otherwise I'll have to shell out a lot for parties etc. Just tell me that the clock has arrived. This will be our code for the arrival of the baby." The offspring does arrive one day, but it's a daughter. The father-in-law now thinks - "If I tell him that the clock has not  arrived, he'll misunderstand that some thing has happened to  the baby and come rushing over." So he sends the message - " The clock has arrived, but the  pendulum is missing".

Where Lawyers come from
 My younger sister was having one of her first gynelogical  appointments and she had some questions for the doctor. "Doctor" she asked, "I can't ask my parents, They would kill me  but my boyfreind wants to have anal sex.  I don't know what to  tell him, I mean I don't know anything about it.  Can I get  pregnant?" The kindly old doctor smiled whimsicaly and replied "Of couse,  you can my dear.  Where do you think lawyers come from?"

 NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES
My daughter & I had just finished a salad at Neiman-Marcus Cafe in Dallas & decided to have a small dessert.  Because both of us are such cookie Lovers, we decided to try the "Neiman-Marcus cookie."  It was so excellent that I asked if they would give me the recipe and the waitress said with a small frown, "I'm afraid not but, you can buy the recipe."  Well, I asked how much, and she responded, "Only two fifty, it's a great deal!" I agreed with approval, just add it to my tab I told her.  Thirty days later, I received my monthly statement (already charged to my VISA card) and on it was a charge from Neiman-Marcus for $285.00.  I looked again and I remembered I had only spent $9.95 for two salads and about $20.00 for a scarf. As I glanced at the bottom of the statement, it said, "Cookie Recipe - $250.00" That's outrageous!  I called Neiman's Accounting Dept. and told them the waitress said it was "two-fifty," which clearly does not mean "two hundred and fifty dollars" by any *POSSIBLE* interpretation of the phrase. Neiman-Marcus refused to budge. They would not refund my money, because according to them, "What the waitress told you is not our problem. You have already seen the recipe.  We absolutely will not refund your money at this point."  I explained to her the criminal statues which govern fraud in Texas. I threatened to refer them to the Better Business Bureau and the  State's Attorney General for engaging in fraud. I was basically told, "Do what you want, it doesn't matter, and we're not refunding your money." I waited, thinking of how I could get even, or even try and get any of my money back. I just said, "Okay, you folks got my $250, and now I'm going to have $250.00 worth of fun." I told her that I was going to see to it that every Cookie lover in the United States with an e-mail account has a $250.00 cookie recipe from  Neiman- Marcus...for free.  She replied, "I wish you wouldn't do this." I said, "Well, you should have thought of that before you ripped me  off," and slammed down the phone on her.  So here it is!!!  Please, please, please pass it on to everyone you can possibly think of. I paid $250 for this...I don't want Neiman-Marcus to *ever* get another penny off of this recipe....
 NEIMAN MARCUS COOKIES (Recipe may be halved)
> >> >>>> >> 2 cups butter
> >> >>>> >> 4 cups flour
> >> >>>> >> 2 tsp. soda
> >> >>>> >> 2 cups sugar
> >> >>>> >> 5 cups blended oatmeal ***
> >> >>>> >> 24 oz. chocolate chips
> >> >>>> >> 2 cups brown sugar
> >> >>>> >> 1 tsp. salt
> >> >>>> >> 1 8 oz. Hershey Bar (grated)
> >> >>>> >> 4 eggs
> >> >>>> >> 2 tsp. baking powder
> >> >>>> >> 2 tsp. vanilla
> >> >>>> >> 3 cups chopped nuts (your choice)
> >> >>>> >>
> >> >>>> >> *** Measure oatmeal and blend in a blender to a fine powder.  Cream the butter and both sugars.  Add eggs  and vanilla, mix together with flour, oatmeal, salt, baking powder, and soda.  Add chocolate chips, Hershey Bar and nuts. Roll into balls and place two inches apart on a cookie sheet.
> >> >>>> >> Bake for 10 minutes at 375 degrees.  Makes 112 cookies. Have fun!!!

> >> >>>> >> This is not a joke --- this is a true story.  Ride free, citizen!!
> >> >>>> >> PLEASE PASS THIS TO EVERY ONE YOU KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Grandma joke
A little girl was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs mating on the sidewalk. "What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl. The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor." "They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?" said the little one. "How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.  "Offer someone a helping hand," said the little girl, "and they screw you every time!"
 

RANDY THE ROOSTER

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks.  So, he
goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster.

The other farmer says, "Yeah, I've got this great rooster, named Randy; he'll
service every chicken you've got. No problem."

Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be
worth it. So, he buys Randy.

The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, giving the
rooster a peptalk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You've got a lot
of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I'll need you
to do a good job.  So, take your time and have some fun," the farmer said with
a chuckle.

Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the henhouse and Randy
took off like a shot. ~WHAM~  He nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times
and the farmer is just shocked.

Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake,
~WHAM~  He gets all the geese.

Randy's up in the pigpen. He's in with the cows.  Randy is jumping on every
animal the farmer owns.

The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won't even last
the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find
Randy dead as a doorknob in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head
and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow
down, now look what you've done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the sky and says, "Shhh. They're getting
closer...."
 

3 nuns
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the bishop's room the other day and do you know what I found?    A bunch of pornographic magazines."   "What did you do?" the other nuns asked.  "Well, of course, I threw them in the trash."   The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in bishop's room putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."    "Oh, my," gasped the other nuns.  "What did you do?" they asked.   "I poked holes in all of them," she replied.   The third nun said, "Oh shit."
 

The Story of a Particular Butterfly
One day a small opening appeared on a cocoon, a man sat and watched for the butterfly for several hours as it struggled to force its body through that little hole. Then it seemed to stop making any progress.  It appeared as if it had gotten as far as it could and it could go no further.  So the man decided to help the butterfly, he took a  pair of  scissors and snipped off the remaining bit of the cocoon. The butterfly then emerged easily.  But it had a swollen body and small, shriveled wings. The man continued to watch the butterfly because he expected that, at any moment, the wings would enlarge and expand to be able to  support the body,which would contract in time. Neither happened! In fact, the butterfly spent the rest of its life crawling around with a swollen body and shriveled wings. It never was able to fly. What the man, in his kindness and haste, did not understand was that the restricting cocoon and the struggle required for the butterfly to get through the tiny opening was God's way of forcing fluid from the body of the butterfly into its wings  so that it would be ready for flight once it achieved its freedom from the cocoon. Sometimes struggles are exactly what we need in our life . If God allowed us to go through our life without any obstacles,it would cripple us.  We would not be as strong as what we could have been.  We could never fly. I asked for Strength.........And God gave me Difficulties to make me strong. I asked for Wisdom.........And God gave me Problems to solve. I asked for Prosperity.........And God gave me Brain and Brawn to work. I asked for Courage.........And God gave me Danger to overcome. I asked for Love.........And God gave me Troubled people to help. I asked for Favors.........And God gave me Opportunities. I received nothing I wanted I received everything I needed
 

Pint of Brandy
 Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."  "Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!" "Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior."  Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."  So Jack sold her the brandy.  Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.  A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine!  For shame!  You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!" > Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"